Christina's Journey

2007-12-05T18:50:00.000-05:00

2007-12-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm an Escapist!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Reality is The Escapist’s least favorite place. Sex in another era or galaxy with other people would be ideal for this erotic personality—or so they believe. They also like to revise their own history and think about how great a certain sexual encounter or partner would have been if only this or that had happened. An Escapist’s fantasy life is active and rich, but it is characterized by fantasies that they’ve nurtured and cultivated to perfection. This is the mother of all erotic types and almost everyone has a bit of The Escapist in them. What makes this type a person’s dominant erotic personality, however, is how necessary the fantasies are for erotic fulfillment.

2007-12-05T17:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a relaxing week. I'm laid off for a week and have done nothing except clean house and organize stuff. Master and I have decided to try a little harder to bring D/s into our everyday life. Reality gets in the way a lot as I'm sure most of you know. We're finding it hard to balance the two.

We had a really good talk this weekend though about it. He's been reading some of the blogs I've sent him. (I'm always sending him interesting blogs I find). The one we've been reading lately is Dominate My Wife {Link on the right side}. Master is really enjoying that blog.

Even thought I've been in the lifestyle longer then he has I still consider myself pretty new to it because this is the first real life D/s relationship I've been in.
I've had a few online Masters and I've played with a few real life but I've never had one 24/7 before.

It's one thing to think you want something... another thing entirely to actually try them and realize that maybe they don't live up to what you fantasize about..or maybe it was even better.

The journey can be a scary thing...and entirely delightful.

2007-11-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Everyone.

I had a really stressful day, the day before thanksgiving. We got our checks early from work and they made a mistake and shorted me about 800 dollars!!!! Because it was the holidays they could not issue me another check until today (Monday). I freaked out... all i could think about was how were we going to get through the weekend with no money. :( thankfully a very nice lady I know at work came up and offered to lend me 200 hundred dollars until i get my check. I am very grateful to her for doing that. I didn't ask her to and she didn't have to.

Thanksgiving morning we woke up to snow! ugh! We got ready and headed out for a 3 hour drive to Master's sisters house. The weather got better the further we got away from our house so that was a good thing. We had a good time visiting with his family.
Most of my family has moved away (my parents travel back and forth between here and florida in the winter) so holidays for me are a little rough. My family is a very tight knit family. We're use to being together a lot.

While we were at his sisters house, Master's mom asked us if we wanted to buy a whole pig from Master's uncle. He had a couple that backed out and now has 2 pigs for sale. We told her to find out how much he wanted for it but that it sounded like a good idea. We love pork chops and bacon.

Friday night our youngest son had a friend stay the night and saturday he went to stay the night at his cousins house. Our oldest was with his dad this weekend so Master and I had Saturday night ALL TO OURSELVES! It was soooooo nice.

Of course shortly after Master got back from dropping our youngest off I found out Aunt Flow decided to come for a visit. LOL.

Master decided he was in the mood to do some wax play so we got out our parrafin (sp) wax and he covered my body with it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm it was so nice. The heat from the wax is a really nice remedy for cramps LOL.

Master took a vibrator and laid it on my stomach on top of the hardened wax. OMG it tickled so much. LOL i could feel it everywhere the wax was.. and the little drippings down my sides were vibrating and tickling me. I couldn't stop laughing.

2007-11-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

Something funny that happened the other day....

Master and I were on our way home from shopping and we stopped at little ceasars for pizza to take home because neither of us felt like cooking. After picking up the pizza Master was driving and i handed him a slice of crazy bread (yummmmmmmmmm)and he started eating it... all of the sudden he started going "Hot Hot Hot.. my fingers are on fire!" I said "It's ok baby.. I'll suck on them and blow them off later." "Oh Noooo" he says..."It just dropped onto my pants..my D*cks on fire!!!" LMAO

His sense of humor is absolutely in the gutter... and i love it there. We are a match made in heaven LOL.

Love you Master...

2007-11-15T05:56:00.001-05:00

Well we missed the bullet this time. The shop we work for is doing a lot of layoffs (that are to last a week or more) right now, and i just recieved word that Master is not getting laid off next week. YAY!

Last week I worked a 62 hour week and this week I'm working Friday which is technically our Veterans day holiday so that makes it a triple time day to work. When i found out yesterday that Master might be getting laid off next week I told my supervisor that if that happens I'd like to work as many hours as possible.

Master and I work at separate plants for our shop. A lot of people from his shop are getting laid off starting next week.. until the 26th of November. From everything I'm hearing my department is not getting laid off until maybe the 1st week of december and maybe the week before christmas. If things keep running in our department like they have the last couple of days I highly doubt we'll get laid off the 1st week.

The good news about getting laid off though is we'll get unemployment and if we have our year in we'll get sub pay also which equals out to be about 95% of our regular pay so it wont be so bad. Master doesn't have his year in quite yet. His hire in date is December 4.

on a side note.. i heard that my brothers ex wife WILL be getting laid off for a week. LOL.

New Blog Design

2007-11-12T10:34:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone..I'm just posting a quick note to see how my new design turned out :)
I designed everything here myself. I might end up changing a few things but so far I'm pretty happy with my first attempt. LOL.

Master and I are finally on the same shift at work (although it's different plants and the start/end times are different) but at least that will mean we get to see each other in the evenings. YAY!

It's been kind of rough for us to spend much time together. He was on 2nd shift and I was on 1st. Hopefully we'll be on the same shift for at least a few more weeks...we're hoping until the end of the year at least.

Updated Wedding Stuff

2007-06-11T19:42:00.000-04:00

Well the wedding was in June. Things were perfect. Things have been stupid crazy busy since then so i haven't had time to update anything.. and Master's not happy about that either..so i'll just do a quick update about everything. and hopefully i'll be able to get better (and i know i've said this before.. and i mean it each time i say it..)hopefully i'll get better about writing in here. I enjoy writing..it helps me work through whatevers going on.. and i enjoy knowing that people are reading it.

ok.. wedding stuff...

We ended up having a friend of ours go online and get ordained to perform the ceremony. We were honored that he said that he would do it. One of Master's best friends from Washington played the Scottish Wedding March on his bagpipes for us while my dad and two sons walked me "down the aisle".. actually around the house to the backyard where the wedding was held. The day was gorgeous and everything was so beautiful. :)

Here are some pictures
Wedding and Reception Pictures.

Even though it's been 5 months since the wedding (OMG time sure has flown LOL) things are still perfect. I love him more today then I did yesterday (if that's possible and he loves me.) We still act like we just started dating. it's awesome. It's hare to believe that we've been together for over 2 years already.

~~ You Are ~

2007-03-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

~~~~ You Are ~~~~

You are strong
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave
when you overcome your fear and help others to do
the same.

You are happy
when you see a flower and give it your blessing.....

***Click Here to read the rest.***

On The Wedding Front...

2007-03-22T22:59:00.000-04:00

We are still searching for a J.O.P. or legally ordained minister to perform the ceremony for us. The only ones we've found at the courthouse won't come out to our house (we want to have the ceremony in our back yard) and they only preform ceremonies at the courthouse tuesdays - thursdays. We're thinking of asking a friend of ours to become ordained and perform the ceremony for us... haven't decided exactly yet though.

I've already put a deposit down on the hall..and I have been trying to get ahold of the caterer for a couple of days now...it's hard when i dont' get home from work before 5pm. I have a friend that's going to try for me tomorrow though. I've already got the menu and everything planned out..

I've been doing some shopping for reception items... got my Storage box started. they have some really nice stuff at dollar stores..believe it or not. LOL.

Here's the front of the invite I'm designing for us.
It might change a little bit..but the colors will still be the same...

American Idol

2007-03-22T22:51:00.000-04:00

Again my favorite made it through... I thought she did a good job, she has a great voice. I wasn't too thrilled with the song she chose but she did a good job singing it anyways. I'm glad she made it through.

I can't believe Sanjaya Malakar is still there though. Yeah he's a cute kid.. but he can't sing.. or he can't sing as good as some of the others. I think personally, that the reason he's still there is because the the teenybop factor... the tween girls love him...

so anyways...I'll be watching next week and hopefully Lakisha will pick a better song to sing :)

at least she's made it into the top 10 which means she'll be able to go on the American Idol tour :)

American Idol

2007-03-14T00:48:00.000-04:00

Anyone watching American idol lately?

the guys are pretty much a wash out.. none of them really impressed me that much this year..except maybe Sundance and once he got sent home.. the guys are pretty much out of the running in my opinion.

Now the girls on the other hand.. i already know which on i want to win... she's from Flint Michigan... which is close to where i live... so she's a hometown girl and my favorite.

Good News!!!

2007-03-13T23:38:00.001-04:00

I know it's been a while since i last updated.. again I'm sorry everyone.
If things got anymore hectic around here I think i'd lose myself... lol.

but i just had to get on here and share with you the good news! :)

Master and I are getting married!!! June 9th 2007.
We're going to do the J.O.P (justice of the peace) thing and then have a huge party afterwards with all our friends and family.

I'm sooooo excited (and nervous) lol.

This weekend we went and picked up my ring...OMFG it's gorgeous!
I love it so much.
Here's a picture of it.. LOL

Now we just have to find a J.O.P who will do the ceremony.

I'm the luckiest girl alive... I have found the man i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with... and i know he loves me beyond a shadow of a doubt. What more could i ask for?

I'm trying to find ways to incorporate the lifestyle into the ceremony and the reception afterwards..without making it to obvious to "Nilla" people....
anyone have any suggestions?? I'd appreciate hearing them..lol

Merry Christmas...and all that Jazz :)

2006-12-26T02:20:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...
Whatever your beliefs and celebrations may it be filled with happiness and love and good times with family.

Things were nice here today..
Master and I woke up about 7:30am and the kids woke up about 8:30am so we had an hour of peace and quiet.
Master's Mom came and spent the night with us and we all sat around and drank coffee and chit-chatted.

The kids finally woke up and we opened gifts. They got a CD player for their rooms and a digital camera along with some other smaller gifts.

Master and i had decided to wait and buy gifts for each other after christmas. of course he didn't follow that very well and he bought me a massage mat for my recliner..mmmmmmmmm it's awesome lol.

Overall we had a great christmas.

Lately I've been hooked on this new RPG game online called Silkroad.
It's a lot of fun and very addicting. lol.
I've been spending a lot of time playing that lately but right now the servers down for updates. grrrrrrrrr lol

Master got the job at Delphi. He's been there 3 weeks already. He's in a different plant then i am and after the 1st of the year he'll be going to 2nd shift. that will mean we wont see as much of each other as we have been but it will work out better for us as far as the kids go.

My oldest son went to stay with his day for this semester... that was rough.
He's been bugging me to let him go there and I finally got tired of hearing his dad say how easy it was to be a parent and how he doesn't understand why i have such a problem with him.. he never has a problem with him when he's there..etc etc etc..
so this way they both get what they want..
My oldest gets to stay with his dad (and maybe realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side) and his dad finally gets to see that there's a huge difference between being a weekend parent and a full time parent.

All of us at Delphi that were hired before Nov 21 are now permanent. all this time we've worked up until now we get to keep towards our seniority (sp) and benefits.
After we've been there 8 months, our benefits kick in. Dec 26th will be my 6 months. So March 1st i will start getting benefits. YAY!

Things are still unsure as to what's going to happen in the future there.. there's rumors that we're being sold (which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing) ..there's absolutely no talks of us closing down though so that's good.

The holidays are difficult for me this year without my family being here. My parents are now in Florida and this is the first year without them here. I miss them alot.

Mikes Interview

2006-11-09T17:42:00.000-05:00

Well he had is interview, Physical and drug test wednesday for Delphi :)
Our hopes are high that they'll call him soon to start work.

This saturday Master and I have a play party to go to... mmmmmmmmmm i can't wait.
I need to be beat sooooooooo bad. I'm craving the release.

Things have been really stressful at work lately... an endorphine rush is just what I need to get back on an even keel.

Anyone else feel that way sometimes???

Here we go again...

2006-11-05T22:56:00.000-05:00

well here we go again...
gonna give this another try lol..

Sometimes I have such a hard time keeping up with this...and other times i can't seem to write enough.

Things are going good between Master and Me. Things are looking up job wise.
I'm still at Delphi. (coming up on 5 months now) and I still like my job.
I'm not thrilled with my supervisor (he's getting to be a little too friendly with me and some other girls...) Hopefully it'll be taken care of soon.

Master is still working at the same company..but he got a call friday from Delphi and he has an interview on wednesday. :) Keep your fingers crossed for us please...or say a prayer...or light a candle..whatever you believe in. We can use all the good vibes we can get. It would be great if he got in.

Evie comes and goes a lot lately. she usually never stays around long but at least she's peeking out more...and being her usual giggly self. :)
She misses everyone a lot.

I promise...promise..promise to try and do better about writing in here more..
please don't give up on me.. lol.

that's all for now..
I'll write more tomorrow hopefully.

This and That...

2006-09-16T13:08:00.000-04:00

Lots of things have been happening around here lately.
For anyone that read my post from August 23...Master and I had a very good talk about what was bothering me and I explained to him why i was feeling the way I was. It was a good talk. I got him to understand where i was coming from. And things are good on the homefront again lol. :)

The other day Master called me from work and wanted to know if i would run him up some lunch. So I cooked some taco casserole..packed it up and me and my youngest headed into Saginaw to drop it off. We stayed with Master while he ate and then headed home. One the way home I took a wrong turn and ended up on the highway headed the wrong way. I knew this highway hooked up with another expressway a few miles down the road and i could take that one all the way home so i wasn't too worried about it. As we got up to the other expressway I realized that this highway hooked up with the other one a few miles further down then I thought and realized I'd have to drive over the Zilwaukee Bridge to get home. Now anyone that knows me...knows i hate heights..and i hate that bridge because It's really high and when it was being constructed there were a lot of problems with it, so i don't trust it. I usually go out of my way to avoid having to drive over it (if I'm driving) or I sink down into the seat, close my eyes, practice my deep breathing and pray until we're over it (if I'm riding). So now all of the sudden I'm driving..and have no choice but to drive over this bridge that makes me sick to my stomach. I start to hyperventalate (sp). I thought i was going to pass out or throw up. I was sooooooooo freaked out at the thought of having to drive over this bridge. I ended up pulling into the fast lane which was on the inside of the bridge to cut down on being able to see off the side...i ended up slowing down to about 45 miles an hour and i was shaking so bad.
My youngest was sitting beside me saying over and over again..It's ok mom..it'll be ok. Your doing good Mom.. (isn't he adorable? LOL)
Eventually we got to the other side and i made it over. As soon as possible..i got off the expressway and pulled over. I was still shaking really bad.. But i did it! :)
I overcame my fear and pushed through it. Afterwards when i calmed down completely i was so proud of myself :) LOL.

Now I'm all about packing. Packing. Packing. Sheeeeeeeeesh i feel like I've been packing forever and there's still so much to be done. I'm probably making it harder on myself then it has to be but i'm trying to organize everything while I'm packing and I'm trying to label all the boxes etc etc... there's still a ton to be done and we're planning on being moved out of here tuesday or wednesday at the lastest.

After monday we wont' have internet access anymore for a while :( but hopefully it won't be too long.

I'm really excited about getting out of here and having our own house with a yard. The boys will each have their own rooms. It will be so great. :)

Happy Birthday to me... Happy birthday to me... LOL

2006-08-27T19:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday... Master had to work and until later last night (about 7pm) i was stuck at home dealing with two spoiled little kids (ok..we'll they're not so little anymore but they sure acted like it) who couldn't quit fighting.
Man they gave me such a headach..

about 7pm I went to a munch for the group that i belong to..Master was suppose to meet me there when he got out of work...and when i got there..everyone was standing outside the gates of the bar we go to...apparantly the owners sold the place and never mentioned it to us the month before. so here's 7 of us (we're a small group but full of great people) trying to figure out where we can go for our munch... we thought of another spot and headed over there..only to find out that another BDSM group (whom we've broken off ties with) is holding their munch there (so that place is a no go LOL) and finally we settle on a restaurant that has a room in the back so we can have private conversations.

It actually turned out to be a very nice time... I wore a dress because Master says he likes to see me dressed up..but i didn't tell him because i wanted to surprise him :) I told 2 people at the munch that today was my birthday but i whispered it..because i was kind of nervous at first about everyone finding out...lol I didn't want all the birthday spankings LOL. apparantly these two people are very good at keeping secrets (which is a good thing to know lol) because no one else found out about my birthday...until later. Finally Master showed up and he was very pleased with how i looked and that i took the time to dress up for him :)
the munch finally got over about midnight and as we were all walking out the door..and i thought i had gotten out of everyone finding out...Master says "Before everyone leaves..i need you to come over here for a minute." *GULP* LOL
EVERYONE follows us out to Master's car...and i'm walking really really slow..because I'm nervous and laughing.. I told Master..i don't think everyone knows why we're doing this..and he says "Then you better tell them." LOL So I told everyone that today was my birthday...and everyone was surprised and called me a sneak. :) Master gets to his car and points to a spot near the trunk and say "Kneel". *GULP* k... i knelt down. and Master has his hands behind his back and says pick a hand. I point to his right one..and he says good choice :) and hands me a gift..as i unwrap it.. it's a leather collar with the word Slave on it *wiggles* he puts in on me..and hands me the next present...which by the shape of it i can pretty much tell it was some kind of crop or something..*shivers*
and it was.. :) then he had me stand up and turn around and face everyone...They started singing Happy Birthday to me.. and Master's swatting me with that thing in time to the music. afterwards LT suggests that since i didn't tell anyone about it this time that next month we get to celebrate it the right way at the next munch..since we'll be back at our normal spot...or someplace similar. Master agreed with him :( LOL

After everyone left, Master and I stayed behind and talked for a few minutes and he asked me where i wanted to go..we tossed around a few ideas and decided on the Men's Club. so off we went.. I enjoy going to strip clubs with him. I love watching him get lap dances..and he likes to buy them for me too LMAO. we check out the girls and i point out to him the ones i think are pretty :)

We stayed there until it closed and then came home and went to bed :)
All in all i had a very nice birthday..

Being grouchy...

2006-08-23T17:38:00.000-04:00

I have been very grouchy lately...Master keeps asking me what's wrong and I tell him "nothing..I'm just tired." and in a way I am... I like my job but it wears me out getting up at 5 am and then working 8 1/2 hours and then coming home and trying to get stuff done around here so we can move.

I have to admit though.. I haven't been as productive around here as i would like to be... I feel almost like I don't get any time to do what i want to do.. there's always "something" that needs to be done and even when I try and take some time for myself.. it's on my mind and bothering me. I know...I know..i should just get off my ass and do it then, right? easier said then done because then I get pissy about not being able to do what i want to do. It's kind of like a vicious circle...

I sit here and look around at all the shit that needs to be packed up still... and even though we have 3 weeks left before we DO actually have to move..i hate waiting until the last minute and being rushed. I'm trying to be organized about how I'm packing stuff and labeling boxes so that when it comes time to UNpack them I'll know what's in them and what room they belong in. So right now I'm trying to get all non essential stuff packed up.

Friday of last week... as i was walking out of the shop.. i finally figured out what was bothering me about work... and it sounds very selfish and I'm almost embarrased to admit this...but I can't fix a problem if I won't admit there is one right??

There a girl in my department...she's a very nice girl.. young.. pretty.. very naive.
She's 20 years old..still lives at home with mom and dad..has no bills..no responsibilities etc etc.. AND... all the guys flock around her... we were all told that out of all the new hires in all the plants..that she's one of the prettiest.
*rolling my eyes* Every day guys from other departments, that have no right to be in our department, come over and talk to her... or flirt with her.. (She's about 6 ft tall..blond hair, blue eyes, and a very athletic body) at first it was funny...but now it's just sickening...and..i have to admit it.. a part of me is jealous.
I guess i never realized how much it mattered to me that people found me attractive... I mean.. I'm not looking (for gods sakes.. I'm extremely happy with Master) but i do miss that feeling that you get when someone finds you attractive.
I'm use to having that kind of attention and I'm not getting anything at all anymore. (I'm not saying that Master doesn't find me attractive..because i know he does...very much so.. but to have strangers find you attractive..is different) Am i making any sense?? LOL Like i said..i know it sounds very superficial of me..and I'm not trying to be..I'm really not normally like that.. I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I guess maybe I'm a little bit jealous of her..and not JUST because she's pretty...but maybe it's the whole... no responsibilities thing..I don't know..but anyways I'm having a really hard time being nice to her lately.
Also... she's got horrible work ethics. She doesn't care if she's slow... or if she slows the line down.. she just laughs about it.. working beside her drives me up the wall because i like to keep busy..and i hate having to wait for parts from her. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The other night.. Master and I got into an argument (kind of.. I'm not really sure what you'd call it) We haven't even really talked about it since it happened...and i know that that is MY fault. He's asked me a few times what's wrong..and i say "nothing." I have a hard time when it comes to confronting him if I'm angry or upset about things...a leftover residue of my past i guess... I'm afraid it will turn into a yelling match or get physical...or that I'll say something that will hurt his feelings... I have a tendency to play out different scenarios in my head before-hand, so that i can feel like I've got all my bases covered..and I've worked out all the details and i don't forget anything i want to talk about.. worked out all the angles etc etc..and in all the times I've played it through in my head.. it's never turned out good.. so I've been biting my tongue..and trying to work through it on my own.. and it's not working all that well...I can feel a distance between us..and i hate that. It scares me...but i know it's my fault..my hang-up that's causing it.. and in all honesty.. it probably won't be as bad as I'm making it out to be in my head... i have a tendency to think negatively.. and i know this..
and i keep telling myself that i tend to over-react etc..we'll see if i can pick up enough nerve to talk to him about what's bothering me...and we'll see how he's going to react. We've had similar conversations before..about pretty much the same thing...but this is the worst instance of this happeneing...*sighs*

keep your fingers crossed for me please??

Blowing off the dust.. lol

2006-07-24T17:08:00.000-04:00

wow..i hadn't realized it had been that long since i wrote in here. I'm sorry everyone. Things have been so hectic around here trying to get use to the new job..and summer vacation etc..

The job is going good.. I've been working now for a little over 4 weeks. (That's not counting the 2 week shutdown the first of july) and I'm still enjoying it. It's hot and dirty and sometimes the day drags but overall it's a pretty good job. The department I'm in is nice. I like the people (well ...most of the people) i work with LOL.

I'm getting better about getting up at 5am and as long as i take a cool shower in the morning I'm fine. If i don't then i tend to have doze off while driving to work lol.

Master and I are planning on moving soon. My dad is retiring and him and my mom are going to go traveling so we are going to rent their house from them. The kids are excited. They love Nana and Papa's house and they a little over an acre of land. It's out in the country but still in the same school district so the kids won't have to change schools. We wanted to move in before school started in Sept but we're not sure of the exactly date yet. My Grandma is living with them right now and Mom and Dad want to wait until she moves to florida... which should be about the 2nd week of Sept so we'll be cutting it close. lol
It will be soooo nice to get out of this apartment.

In August our rent here will go up to over 400 dollars a month. and i just can't see paying that much for this place..If I'm going to spend that amount of money I'd just as soon pay a little more and get a house.

I had to reinstall everything on my computer a little while ago (sheeeeeeeesh I didn't realize how much crap i had on this thing LOL) I'm still trying to get everything back the way it was and get things organized.

1st week on the Job

2006-06-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

ok everyone.. here's what my first week on the job went. :)

Monday.. Orientation - 7:06 until 3:36. We get there and the room is packed. They had told me that there would be about 150 people at orientation. It ended up that there was more than 200 people in the group. They split us up into 2 groups and we sat there for 8 hours and listened to the most boringest crap in the world. I can't even remember now all the crap they talked about but damn it was boring. We were fighting to stay awake (we didn't dare fall asleep because we had heard a rumor of someone falling asleep during orientation and being fired). We also got our pictures taken for our badges. At the end of orientation I found out that i was being put in Plant 3 on A shift which is first shift. I'm not a morning person at all but with having kids either 1st or 3rd were the shifts i was hoping for. (7:06-3:36) YAY! It was better than 2nd shift. Plant 3 is the oldest plant in the group and one of the dirtiest. So i wasn't to thrilled about that but I didn't complain at all. (at least not to anyone there lol) We were told to report to our plant at 7:06 tuesday morning for another round of orientation. *rolling my eyes*

I get home about 4:15 and I was sooooooo tired. Just sitting there listening to people talk all day is tiring lol. I ended up crashing about 6:30 in the chair and didn't wake up until Master got home from work.

Tuesday.. I get to Plant 3 early (about 6:30am) because you don't dare be even a minute late and i have a bad habit of running late. Sat through another 4 hours of orientation. We took a tour of the plant and seen the department we would be working in. Mine didn't look to bad.. it's a small department and it's a people driven assembly line which is nice because we set the pace. Then we had a 1/2 hour lunch. After lunch our Supervisors came and got us and we got to work the last 4 hours at our department. I work in Department 85 TC Assembly. We assemble power steering pumps. it's not to bad of an area to work in. Yes it is dirty..but during our tour i saw a lot dirtier departments to work in, So I'm not complaining at all about where i got put. I did really well on the machines they put me on (In department 85, they rotate every hour so your not stuck doing the same job all day long, which is nice.)The person training me said i was picking up things very quickly. I found out that our Department isn't working 8 hour shifts..we're working 9 hour shifts which means i won't be getting out until 4:36 and i won't be getting home until about 5:15. Which for the next couple of weeks will be rough because my youngest has baseball games at 5:30 so I'm going to have to fly home. Finally 4:30 came around and we got to go home. I was told before I left orientation today that we had to report back to the conference room in the morning for another round of orientation *grrrrrrrr*

OH YEAH.. another thing I wanted to tell you.. I found out that a guy in my department (Ron) is really good friends with Gailen (my friend from Rosati's, The Produce manager) so that was really neat to learn. We talked quite a bit about him and I think we're going to get along good together. :)

Wednesday.. Showed up at work at 6:35am and waited for orientation again. Sat through another 2 hours of the same crap over and over again.
then went to our departments to work. I'm really liking the jobs I'm doing. none of them are too too hard except I'm stuggling with this one machine where we put the clips on the resevoirs (sp) I have a huge blister on my hand from them and i was getting so frustrated with it. Eventually Ron came over and showed me another way of doing it that is much much much easier and things just kind of fell into place. The supervisor came over to me a couple of times during the day and watched me work (which made me nervous lol) and he said he was impressed with how well I'm doing. YAY! :) He asked me if i was supppose to go to orientation again in the morning and i told him i'm not sure, no one said anything to me about it. He said well if you are...to just show up in the department and they'd finish my training there instead of the orientation. lol.

Thursday.. Got to work about 6:35 again. punched in and stopped at the orientation room to see if we were suppose to be there again this morning and to let them know that if we were, i wouldn't be there. etc etc..
got to my department on time and started working. I was pretty much on my own by now except for the job of putting the thrust plates on (that's another one that's a little tough to learn because there's not much "play" in the body of it. and getting it lined up just right is a pain in the butt) My supervisor came up to me in the morning and told me "I might have some bad news for you...we'll talk later" then he walked away... AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHh.. i hate that. Now i'm worried. Did i do something wrong... did I mess up? Am i getting fired? Am i being transfered out of the department? going to a different shift?? what?? what?? I have no idea. so i'm sick to my stomach with worry..I was talking to Ron about it and told him how worried i was..and that i didn't want 2nd shift because of the boys etc etc.. he told me not to worry about it, he would talk to the supervisor and see what he could do... so he did. He talked to Alex (the supervisor) and told him that if he let me go to 2nd shift he would be losing a really good worker etc etc etc and that it would be a mistake. Rick (the coordinator) came up to me a little while later and told me not to worry..i was staying on 1st shift in this department :D YAY!! I thanked Ron and told him if i ever saw him at McKatm's I'd buy him a drink. LOL.
I found out later that another girl in the department who no one likes is being moved to 2nd shift instead :) She never smiles..hardly ever talks to anyone...and has a horrible attitude.

Friday.. Got to work, same time as before. went to my department and had a great day. Found out we're working saturdays too and that i had to be there again tomorrow. lol. We decided to see who wanted to go in for pizza tomorrow and we ordered it to be delivered to the plant at our lunch break saturday.
we also got to go home at 3:36 today instead of 4:36 because it's friday and i guess they do that a lot here which is cool.

Saturday.. got to work at the same time again... went to my department and stared work. Did a pretty good job today...learned some new machines.. ate pizza and ended up quitting work about 20 minutes early because Alex said it's too hot to work today (it was 95 outside and i have no idea how hot it was inside the shop other than i was dripping sweat. Yuck.)

so basically I had a pretty decent week. I like my new job (can't wait to see my pay check LOL) I figured out that in 1 day at the shop..i pretty much make what would take me a week to make at my old job..so I'm really excited about it. It's going to be hell in the shop this summer with the heat but as long as i dress appropriately and drink a lot of fluids i should be fine.

A quick run down of my week...
Monday: up at 5am, worked 8 hours and crashed at 6:30pm.

Tuesday: up at 5am, worked 9 hours and crashed at 8pm.

Wednesday: up at 5am, worked 9hours and crashed at 5:30 in the computer chair, trying to write in my journal. woke up when Master got home and crashed again at 12am.

Thursday: up at 5am, worked 9 hours and crashed at 8pm.

Friday: up at 5am, worked 8 hours and crashed at 6pm in the chair again.

saturday: up at 5am, worked 8 hours. Got home and went to Ann Arbor for a play party...didn't get home until 4am..crashed and slept til almost noon today LOL. (I'll write about the play party in my next post.. i have to go to mom's right now and do laundry.)

I feel like i've done nothing besides work and sleep all week.. but i'm sure that's just my body trying to adjust to these new hours and the heat. I'm use to only working about 25 hours a week. Hopefully it doesn't take too long to get adjusted to this.

Good News :)

2006-06-07T07:17:00.000-04:00

I GOT THE JOB! :)

*does a little happy dance* LOL

I start the 12th of June. I don't know what shift or plant I'll be working at, I'll find all that out on the 12th once I go to orientation. I start out at $14 an hour.
OMG I've never ever made that much before...

I'm so excited... and nervous. I don't deal well with change usually. and this is a huge change.

I Don't have much time to write this morning so I'll have to finish this post later today when i get home from work. :) I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on. LOL..

The Physical and Drug Test

2006-05-31T15:53:00.000-04:00

Well.. I passed the physical :) They did a Hearing Test, Vision Test, Physical and Drug Test. I passed all of them. I'm just waiting to hear back from the Drug test part of it (which I'm not worried about at all) they took three chunks of hair from the back of my head (one from each side and one from the middle) for a couple of days i could reach up and feel the stubble from where she cut the chunks out but now they seem to have gotten better... i was not happy about that at all..

The doctor said it should take 3-5 days to get the results back from the test but I'm giving them an extra few days because of the holiday weekend.

I'm hoping to hear back from them by the end of this week.

I did find out some interesting things about myself during the physical.

1. I need to get my eyes checked again.. i have 20/30 in one eye and 20/40 in the other.

2. When I'm locked in a sound proof booth for the hearing test.. My breathing is sometimes louder than the little beeps that emit from the headphones.. LOL.

3. I'm partially color blind. (I can see the blue/green colors and pick out the numbers in the middle of the circle... and i can see the red/orange colors but can't tell you what number is in the middle) strange... it kind of worrys me a little bit, learning this about myself.. working with graphics and stuff the way that i do makes me wonder how much of it I'm really missing.. you know what i mean??

4. if i take enough advil and aleve before the physical.. my back doesn't bother me as much as it usually does and allows me to get through the bend over and touching my toes part of the physical. lol

I'll keep everyone updated as soon as i hear anything else ....
thank you very much for the postive thoughts everyone's been sending me :) i really appreciate it.

New Post in my Inspirational Journal

2006-05-31T15:47:00.000-04:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: other people's decisions, my circumstances, how others see me, my memories, reliving the abuse, that I don't know the difference between what I can and cannot change sometimes.

***Click Here to read the rest.***

2006-05-26T08:09:00.000-04:00

I have a few minutes this morning before i have to get ready for work so i was surfing some blogs trying to get caught up on what's going on it peoples lives.

While reading Figleaf's blog I came across this article ~Click Here to Read~ and all i can think of is OMG. I mean...i orgasm pretty easily and can have multiples most of the time..but this is ridiculous. I would just die.. LOL.

so anyways.. This week's been spent on trying to get things in order in the Deli in case I do get this job. (I have a really good feeling about it but not counting my chickens before they hatch) I'm just taking precautions at work so that if i do get it, it will be easier for someone to come in and take over because Saturday will be my last day of work at the store. Today at 3:30 I go for my Physical and my drug test.

Wish me luck :)

My Life...

2006-05-16T12:01:00.000-04:00

is so full of ups and downs lately lol..
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride without a seat belt...
the only constant thing in my life right now is Master... He's been a godsend.
I love him very much.

Things at work are stressful... the new person i hired was not working out at all..very rude to the customers and we had many customers walk out and say they're not coming back because of her.. so i had to fire her today. Yesterday I went through the applications and hired someone new. This one has lots of Deli experience so hopefully she'll work out better than this last one.. today was suppose to be my day off..but now i have to go into work tonight and train this new person...which shouldn't be that bad since she's got experience already.

Master and I went out saturday night for a drink and ran into my cousin and her husband whom i hadn't seen in a long time. It was nice.. Her husband was telling us that his brother just got hired into Delphi and he starts Monday. I was happy for him..but really bummed for me because i was worried that i hadn't been called back yet. so for the past couple of day's that's been nagging at me. I called Delphi monday and had to leave a message... just letting them know i was checking on the status of my application etc..

Started my period on Sunday so I've been really emotional too which doesn't help. Monday i was almost in tears for most of the day worrying about the Delphi job and having to fire that person and hire someone new etc etc..

This morning the phone woke me up... and guess what???!!??
IT WAS DELPHI!!! :)

I have an appointment for friday the 26th for my physical and drug test. *Does a happy little subbie dance*

I'm sooooooooooooo excited lol.

My car should be getting worked on this weekend hopefully.. I'm hoping it's not going to take very long. My ex and Master are going to be working on it Sunday.
My ex might have found us a transmission that we can have for free...so it won't cost us anything. *sighs with relief* everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that it will work.

Still haven't gotten my tooth fixed. :(
We don't have the money and I haven't been able to get a hold of a real live person at any of the dental colleges I've called.. we keep playing phone tag. But i'm still trying.. It still doesn't hurt *thankfully* but it's embarrassing.

There's a munch coming up next weekend..the 27th. It will be nice to go and see everyone again.. We missed the last one because i was sick. *Pouts* i hate missing them.

We belong to a really good BDSM group. right now it's a small group but we're hoping it grows and gets bigger.

Redneck Submissive

2006-05-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub.

If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Ma", you might just be redneck sub.

If you know what your Mistress expects from you by the way she belches, you just might be a redneck sub.

If your master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub.

If fulfilling your master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for him, you might just be a redneck sub.

If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck,you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a pair of pink flamigos, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever had to use your safeword in order to spit tobacco juice, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever used nipple clamps in order to remove tics from master's huntin' dogs, you just might be a redneck sub.

a Memorable night

2006-05-16T11:29:00.000-04:00

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you..........
You fucking mosquito!

Five tips for a woman

2006-05-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Another weeks gone by...

2006-04-25T15:14:00.000-04:00

My life is completely crazy right now... Here's what's been going on.. lol

Tuesday the 18th I had the day off from work. I was dreaming about vampires when Master came in to wake me up and when i got up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, my tooth fell out!! I have a habit of grinding my teeth and clenching them when i sleep, and sometime during the night I broke my front tooth. (not one of the two front ones but the one beside them) It didn't hurt but it broke off right at the gumline. I don't have dental insurance so I'm now walking around with a missing tooth in the front and I'm soooo self concious about it. I hate it and I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm trying to get ahold of some Dental College's around here to see if maybe they'll be able to help me get it fixed. It's tender if something pokes it but doesn't throb or ache or anything yet.

Wednesday I get home from work and find out that Master's 17 year old daughter who lives in California with her mother ran away from home and was classified a Suicidal Runaway because of some poems she wrote right before she ran away. No one knew where she was or if she was ok.. Finally at about 4:30am Thursday morning we get the call that she's home and she's ok. So we did not get much sleep that night.

Thursday morning i get a phone call from a woman i work with and the first words out of her mouth is.. "What did you do all day yesterday because nothing is done?" yadda yadda yadda.
Now... the thing is I'm the Deli Manager. she works under me.. who the hell does she think she is calling ME at home asking ME what I've done the day before????
so i told her that i had done my job and she needed to do hers... she hung up on me!!

Friday afternoon my son calls me at work and tells me that Delphi called me and wants me to call them when i get home to set up an interview.. YAY!! I get home and call them ASAP and ended up having to leave a message. :( they didn't call me back that night so i figured i wouldn't hear anything from them until Monday now.

Friday night...A friend of ours was in a singing contest. His name is Mike Davis.
CK 105.5 MICHIGAN POP STAR 2006
He's an awesome singer and has a great voice and stage presence. The winner of the contest was suppose to be entered into the finals with a chance to win $10,000 in prizes. He wow'd the whole place... he was awesome. We were so excited for him...and then for some reason he didn't win. He ended up taking second place. Everyone was shocked that he didn't win. It was a huge letdown..when i got home that night i wrote to the radio station telling them that i thought they had made a big mistake because he was so much better than anyone else in that contest. (not that the others were bad...they just didn't do as well in my opinion as Mike did).

Saturday, it was the end of my shift at work and THAT woman comes in to work the second shift..Now i was just going to finish my day and go home..ignore her and not bring up anything because I was just to tired after the week of ups and downs that i'd had to deal with it the way it needed to be dealt with.. so what does she do??
walks right up to me and says "So what's your problem??" OHHHHHHH wrong thing to say... so we start arguing and she's telling me how she does everything around there and i do nothing etc etc etc I can't do anything right as the supposid (sp) manager etc etc etc.. after arguing with her for a few mins I'm like "Fuck it.. I'm not standing here arguing with her. so i grabbed my stuff and went to talk to the owner of the store... I walked up to him and tossed my order books and everything down in front of him and told him that if that woman thinks she can do a better job at Managing the deli she can have it.. I quit. I'll come in and do my job but i don't want the job as Manager anymore. He calmed me down and said he didn't want to take the job away from me. He didn't want to give the job to her. He thinks i'm doing a good job and that if she can't support me then he'll deal with her. (there was a lot more said and done but that's about the gist of it)

Saturday night Master and I went out to eat with some friends of ours who are in the lifestyle. it was nice and relaxing and time flew by. We had a really good time. When we got home we didn't have any kids so he handcuffed me to the bed and we "played" for a while... it was pretty intense and very very needed. He took some pictures afterwards, they look pretty cool.

Monday morning before i go to work I call Delphi again and leave a message telling them that i'm still interested in the job and that they can call me at work if they want to to set up the interview. As I'm getting ready to recite my work phone number to them, my best friend Laura (Mike Davis's girlfriend) popped up on my computer asking me to call her when i get to work... so without thinking about it i recited HER phone number to Delphi as my work number! OYYYYY. Once i get to work i called her and found out that enough people had called the radio station complaining about Mike not winning that they've decided to move him onto the finals. :) YAY!!! While i had her on the phone i realized that i had given Delphi her number instead of my work number and asked her that if they call there looking for me to give them the right number for me.. (now i'm worried about what a fool I looked like to them)
I find out later that night that they did indeed call there looking for me and she gave them my work number (but they never called me there) :(

wait... lol it gets better..
on my way home from work... my car breaks down..it gets me home but there is something definetly wrong with it.. Not sure if it's the transmission or something underneath but now it won't start at all...

This morning I called a friend to get a ride into work and before i left i figured I'd try giving Delphi a call again.. and i finally get through to a live person!!
we set up an interview for Thursday at 3:30. *sighs* Now..I'm excited about the interview.. worried about how and when I'm gonna get my car fixed. excited for my friend and pissed off at the woman i work with, embarrassed about my tooth and I'm coming down with a cold.. OYYYYYYYY I can't believe everything that's went on this week.. It's unbelievable.

Everyeone pray for me (or light candles, whatever it is you do) that i get this job.
I need it desperatly.

Start of a new week

2006-04-17T08:29:00.000-04:00

Well the holidays are over.... thankfully...
we spent some good time with my family and Master's daughter came and spent Saturday night with us, helped the boys color eggs and then she helped us hide them after they went to bed :) it was nice. I really enjoy spending time with his daughter.

The kids have today off from school but of course me and Master don't. *pouts*

I was cleaning the house saturday, getting it ready for Easter and I came across this thing i had written a while ago.. not sure exactly when because of course i wasn't smart enough to date it when i wrote it... LOL but i wanted to share it.

Thoughts swirling through my mind,
Always wondering why, why, why....
Why does it have to be so hard,
To always do what's right?
To always stand proud and tall,
and always struggle not to fall?

I have a habit of just jotting down stuff that pops into my head.. sometime i wish i had a small tape recorder to carry with me because a lot of times things pop into my head when i'm driving the car and of course i can't stop and write them down. By the time i get somewhere where i can write it down I've forgotten how it goes. It drives me nuts. lol

I'm working on some new textures and stuff in Poser. I love creating new things to use...
Here's my latest creation...

I didn't create the actual figure..just the textures for the clothes and the hair.
I've got some free textures and stuff available for download on my website. I'll probably be adding more the next couple of days hopefully..I've got a creative streak going right now which is nice because I haven't really felt like creating anything lately.

New Template and other things :)

2006-04-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

Well..Thanks to Mija I have a new blog template :)
I love it. Isn't it gorgeous??
If your looking for a new design you should really check her templates..she's really good at making them.

ok..so what's new beside the blog template.
ohhhhhhh yeah :) lots of good things...

The kids are doing well in school...we just got their report cards..

Master is doing good at his new job..he just got a review from his manager and he scored a 97 (i think) on it. which is really good they said..most new people only score a 45 or something.

We've been house hunting lately... we can't really afford the houses we've been looking at but it's fun to look and it gives us an idea of what we want etc...etc...etc..

I'm still working in the deli and i haven't gotten my raise or anything yet but that might soon be changing...

There's a chance that i'm going to be changing jobs soon... I've been offered a job starting anywhere from 10-14 dollars an hour with benefits. 40 hours vacation time , 48 hours a week.

which is a whole heck of a lot better then 6.50 an hour, no benefits, no vacation time and only 25 hours a week.

I've applied for it and now i'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get it.. I've been told i have a really good chance..but i really won't know anything until around May1st.

Master and I went to a public play party saturday... (His first) and we had a really good time.
We went with some friends of ours and they introduced us to everyone. Master really enjoyed watching the "scenes" and said he really learned a lot.

Met this one "Dom" (and here i use the term very loosely) who was such a player..omgoodness i had to keep biting my tongue not to say something to him. He was talking about how he went to a munch for the first time last week and picked up a submissive and now he's got three. then he proceeded to tell us of this one time he met this submissive that wanted to play with him and he wanted to play with her in private but he said that he dropped her when she started asking him all kinds of questions like his name, where he works, his phone number etc etc.. simple safety question... sheeeeesh..i got up and walked away before i jumped down his throat.

Easters almost here... i haven't even picked up anything for it yet.. I'll have to do that tomorrow so we can color the eggs and stuff..

Did You Know?

2006-03-27T15:31:00.000-05:00

Did You Know?

From July 1998 through the end of 2004, PETA killed over 12,400 dogs, cats, and other "companion animals" -- at its Norfolk, Virginia headquarters. That's more than five defenseless animals every day. Not counting the dogs and cats PETA spayed and neutered, the group put to death over 85 percent of the animals it took in during 2003 alone. And its angel-of-death pattern shows no sign of changing.

Animals Killed By PETA

To read more about this click Here.

ohhhhhhh I almost forgot

2006-03-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else watching American Idol??

OMG Ace young is so cute! and man can he sing..
I love his voice.. his looks.. mmmmmmmm

Master teases me about it.

I got him hooked on watching it even though he doesn't like to admit it. LOL

A Crazy Couple of Days

2006-03-17T00:37:00.000-05:00

Well I've had a crazy couple of days.. LOL

Two days ago my oldest son came up to me and said.. "Mom, me and some friends of mine are going to be making a movie." I said.."Really?? what kind of movie?" He said "You know those movies where people do stunts and they look like they hurt themselves but really they don't?" I laughed and said "yeah i know what you mean."

**fast forward to yesterday**
I get a call at work from Master...saying he just got a call from my oldest (who was at school) and he said he dislocated his knee and needs to be taken to MedExpress. I asked "How did he hurt his knee..and is he really hurt?" (My oldest son could win an Academy Award for his acting sometimes i swear) Master said he would go to the school and check on him then let me know. A little while later he shows up at my work (with my son) and sure enough his knee's swollen and bruised. I leave work early and off to MedExpress we go. On the way there..I ask him what happened. He says... "well... at recess me and my friends were practicing our moves for that movie i told you about...." and i piped in "OHHHHH..you mean that one where it looks like you hurt yourself..but you really don't???" ***eyes getting big*** my son starts laughing and says "Yeah" He's such a Bonehead sometimes LOL...

At MedExpress they X-rayed his knee and there's nothing broke and they felt all around it etc etc etc.. there's nothing wrong with his knee other than he twisted it and banged it up on the wooden floor when he tripped over his own feet and fell down trying to do a flip. So now he's hobbling around with it wrapped up.

Today Master left to go to chicago with his daughter *pouting* I'm glad he's able to go there with her but I miss him. He'll be back Saturday though.

Tonight my oldest son had a band competition about an hour away from here so as soon as i got out of work I had to pick up my youngest son and drive way out to BFE and then back again when it was over. They did great at the competition though. They got a 2 which is pretty good considering. They rate each band 1-5 with 5 being the worst.
He was very happy with it :)

When i got home i had to run up to the school and sign my youngest son up for baseball. He'll be 11 this year in Sept and this is his first year wanting to play it. He's only ever been interested in soccer before..but this year decided he wanted to try baseball.

I'm exhausted... Good night everyone...

Master found a job

2006-03-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

hmmm Lets see... what's been happening lately...

Master found a job :D YAY!!! He starts work on the 20th. It's not exactly the kind of work he's been looking for but right now anything's better than nothing and this isn't too bad of a job. He's going to be doing Tech support for a computer company in Saginaw.

March 2nd was Master's birthday. He's 37 years old *yes Master...your older than I am :P* lol. He was worse than a kid all week long.."what are you doing for my birthday??" over and over again. I kept telling him I hadn't decided yet what i was doing lol... Then finally i told him..maybe we'd do something on Sunday to celebrate. He got bummed and changed his question to "Why do we have to wait til sunday to do anything?" *pouts* LOL he was so cute. What he didn't know was that i was planning a surprise birthday party for him on Saturday night with a bunch of his friends. Complete with a Nudie cake. :D

The kids knew about the party aprox. 2 days in advance and i'm really proud to say they did an awesome job keeping the secret. I'm very proud of them. Master didn't find out about it until about 5 mins before we pulled in. He finally figured it out then but up until that time he had no idea so i think everyone did an awesome job hiding it.

I, of course, forgot my camera but everyone else had one so that's good. as soon as I get copies of them I'll post some pictures of the cake etc.. Everyone had a good time.

Things are the same at work... Still doing all the managerial stuff without the pay.
and he keeps dangling these promises in front of me "when the stores doing better...when we pick up etc etc etc... you'll be one of the first ones to get your raise." blah blah blah. Since i need my job...and I've gotten the impression that if i was to tell him i wont do all this work without a raise..I'm kind of stuck where I'm at for now.

Next week Master is taking his daughter to Chicago for a few days...Her friend/boyfriend is graduating from Basic training and she wants to go see him. So i'll be on my own for a few days next week.

Misti.... If you still read my blog (not sure if you do or not) I just want you to know there are no hard feelings at all... I'm not pissed or mad. I miss being able to talk to you as a friend. My Big misses you a lot. Please get a hold of me. I'm sure there were extenuating (sp) circumstances etc etc...

Master's been sick the last couple of days and I did something to my back a couple weeks ago (still haven't figured out what it was) and it's been very sore and it hurts to move around a lot so we haven't been able to do much :( We're both kind of pathetic right now lol.

There hasn't been a whole lot happening around here lately besides the day to day boring stuff..that's the main reason i haven't written in a while..but i promise..I'll try and do better. I seem to go in spurts don't i??

and Canuck?? i haven't forgotten your question.. I still plan on answering it. I just haven't been able to formulate the kind of answer i want yet...

Inspirational Entry

2006-02-18T08:56:00.000-05:00

There shouldn't be a single little child in America left alone to fend for himself.

posted in my inspirational journal.
click Here to read the rest of it.

Inspirational Entry

2006-02-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

Even as small children we are trained not to listen to our bodies
or trust our sensations.

Posted in my inspirational journal...
click here. to read the rest of it.

I'm back

2006-02-18T08:26:00.000-05:00

I'm back!!

my website is up and running...I've been working on updating some stuff on it. Things like my address at the bottom of each page, I'm also going to be deleting some of the pages that don't get a lot of hits etc. It will make updating things easier for me i think. (sheeeeeesh I didn't realize how many pages I had on there til i had to change something on each page lol)

well.. are you ready for some good news???

Master got a job!! :) YAY!!
the only bad thing about it is it's in Traverse City which is about 3 hours away :(
During the week he'll be staying with family in Mansilona (sp)which is about 1/2 hour away from where he'll be working. the next couple of weeks are going to be rough til i get use to him not being here again.

Last weekend we went out with some friends of Masters. We went out for chinese and then we went to Deja Vu in Saginaw. It was fun. Master and I both got dances from two different girls. Before we went to Deja Vu, we stopped at Lovers Lane and bought a few toys. We bought a set of handcuffs and ankle cuffs and also some similar to a Venus butterfly (can't remember the name of it right now) but it's got a cordless remote that reaches between 5 & 20 feet. He made me wear it on the ride home that night and dang did he have fun. LOL (OK i had fun too but that's besides the point) lol.

Website is back up

2006-02-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

Well I went and paid my domain stuff today so hopefully within the next day or two my website will be back up and running. I've hated not having it these last few days which is really funny because it's sat dormant for a while. I haven't had the time to devote to adding things or working on it like I normally do. I'm hoping that i'll have the time to do that again now that it's back up and running (or will be again soon)

WoooooHooo I'm Legal

2006-02-13T16:24:00.000-05:00

Woohooo I'm legal :D

That's right folks.. today I'm finally legal. At least my car is anyways... lol

Since last August I've been driving my car with no insurance and expired tags because I couldn't afford the insurance and today I went and got insurance and tags so now everythings all legal like lol.

It feels so much better driving around not having to worry about wether a cop cars behind me or getting pulled over and feeling like a sore thumb sticking out. :)

As We Grow Up

2006-02-10T23:28:00.000-05:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once & it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing to fast, & you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, & love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

2006-02-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

I know that all the pictures and stuff are gone for right now..everyone please be patient. They will all be back in a few days when I get my income tax money back in a few days to pay for my domain name again :(

2006-01-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

Well..everyone.. I'm really sorry i didn't write like i said i was going too... Life has a way of reaching up and biting us all in the ass when we least expect it.

Things are ok here... Master and I are still getting along great. We've had a few disagreements about our different parenting styles but I think overall we've gotten through them ok.

I've had a hard time lately letting evie out. She's been hiding for a while but being able to talk to Momma a little while ago helped. We had a really good talk and got some things worked out and we're still Momma n little girl :)

The last day or two evie's been peeking her head out a little bit more... she went back to the island (which was a very scary thing for me to do.) she came out and colored a bit today too and Daddy colored with her which she really enjoyed. :)

Things at work are the same ole same ole. STILL no raise. but the deli is doing better then he originally thought and he said that he doesn't want to lose me and that i'll be one of the first ones to get a raise when he starts giving them out. yadda yadda yadda.

Master's still looking for a job :( He had a promising interview finally last week... we got our hopes up but he didnt get it. We're hoping something comes along soon though.

2006-01-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

"One day I realized that although the incest was over, no one had ever stopped it. And I knew there was a child inside still waiting for someone to stand up for her and save her from her abuser, to say that it was wrong. She felt that unless it was stopped it would never really be over. No wonder I still want someone to rescue me!"

I posted something over in my inspirational journal...
click here to read the rest of it..

2005-12-31T18:24:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. :)

Things have been so unsettled here lately but I'm hoping with the new year things will settle down.

Things are still going good with me and Master :)

Things at work are getting better... still haven't gotten my raise but I should be hopefully next week. Me and the owner are having a meeting on monday. Things are looking up on that front.

I'm thinking of creating a new template for my blog...but i haven't felt very creative lately.

I haven't updated my website in forever. It's hard to do that when your not feeling creative at all.

well We have to get ready to go out...We're getting together with friends and playing cards for new years eve.

I hope everyone has a great time tonight... and stays safe :)

Christina

2005-12-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

Now for post #2. My Assignment :)

Master gave me an assignment tonight to spend 1/2 hour writing in my blog. I've already done that with the other post i did tonight...but he also told me to make sure i told everyone that he loves me very very much... and that he adores me. and that he's very happy with me.

He also said to let everyone know how frustrated he is with not being able to find a job yet. He's put in so many applications and resumes... it's horrible. No One's hiring around here.. Michigan's unemployment rate is horrible.

I just wanted to let everyone know that i love my Master very very much. :)

Christina

2005-12-18T22:33:00.000-05:00

hi everyone.. I know I haven't written here in a while.. and i apologize. I've been wanting to...but for some reason i couldn't put my finger on..i've been hesitating about doing it. I think i figured out why..and i'll explain that in a minute. Master gave me an assignment tonight. I'm to spend 1/2 hour writing in here. So I'm going to do two different posts. One, to explain why I've been hesitating... and one to do my assignment. This first one is my explaination...

I was talking tonight with a very good friend of mine, and evie's. Her name is freya. Freya is evie's sister, and my good friend. Her and evie's been talking alot recently about something that's going on in their lives and how it's making them feel and I realized that the reason I haven't been writing in here as much as I should is because evie's been bottling a lot of stuff up and she doesn't have any place to vent about it. And because evie is a part of me... I've been bottling a lot of stuff up along with her. Because she's been bottling things up inside instead of dealing with them... It's made it hard for me to write in here too.
I've decided to let evie post here tonight... to vent about something that's bothering her. I'm hoping that once she gets this out in the open.. We can deal with it and work through it and I can get back to bloggin in here like I use to.

The rest of this post is going to be from evie. (feel free to move on or skip this part... most of what she's going to be venting about won't really make any sense to most of you...unless you know the circumstances and understand about emotionally real IK's)

*sighs* i dunna really unnerstand what's been happenin lately round here wif Momma n eberyone. Momma's gotten so distant lately wif me. i neber talka her's anymore. she's neber online anymore..or at least her appears to neber be's online anymore..but i know dat sumtimes her's online n is jist inbisible. but den why duzzna her eber talka me's no more??? dis has been happenin fera long time now.. when i askeded her bouts dis..her assured me dat her did lub me n want me n need me...but den her duzzna talka me...Her'll act like her's not online n stuff but den i hear through de grapevine dat her's been talkin to havoc n lisa alla time.. why duzzna her jist dopt them then, if dey are more important den me?? if her wantsa talka dem so much den why don't her jist tell me dat her don't want me no more n dat her wantsa dopt havoc n lisa??

Momma's changed lots in de past coupla months... de things and people that she once said were de most important to hers...now doesn't seemta be as important. Her's not de same person dat i fel in lub wif n her's not de same person i wanted to adopt me.
I dunna why her's changed...maybe it was sumfin i did...maybe i did sumfin n her duzzna lubs me no more.. :(

It hurts lots when i wait online fer her..cuz i miss her n wanna spend time wif her..n day affer day her's neber dere...only to find out later dat her's actually been dere n her's talked to havoc. Havoc always makes sure dat we (freya n me) find out dat her's talkeded to our Momma n her even told freya dat her knew dat Momma hasna been talkin to us. so dat made me fink dat Momma musta said sumfin to havoc bout why her's not been talkin to us or wantin to hab anyfing to do wif us.

I know Momma's gotta lotta stuff goin on right now r/l. so i've been tryin to be's patient n unnerstandin n stuff...i dunna wanna put anymore pressure on her den her's gots already... so i's been patient. N i waited.. i messaged her a coupla days ago tellin her dat i luved her n dat i misseded her...n then i waited...and waited...n waited..affer a coupla days when her dinna respond.. i keep tellin myself dat her must notta been online or sumfin cuz of course if her had been online n gotten mine message..her woulda left me an offline or sent me an email ya know?? her wouldna jist ignore me or nuffin.. n den i told myself..dat maybe her dinna gits mine offline..but her hadda have known dat i misseded her cuz we haven't talkeded inna long time or gotta spend any time together recently.. n her hadda be's missin me too right??? den...i go to PH (Phoenix Hope... a special place Momma set up so that us and all her friends could spend time together n play together) n when i'm dere..i see dat her's posted dere n talkeded to other people...but her dinna message ME..or email ME... so dat must mean dat dese other people be's more important den me right?? dey must mean more ta Momma den me. Momma must care bouts dez people more'n her cares bouts me. dats de only thing that makes any senseta me... cuz if it was me.. n i really honestly cared bouts someone.. i would wanna talka them n spend time wif dem n i'd make sure dat dey were one'a de firstest people i talkeded to when i got online...*sighs*

Momma is de firstest person dat i eber really trusted. eber really opened up to. i dunno what i's gonna do anymore.. i dunna trust nuffin anymore. Actions speak louder den werds... dats what mine big always says.. n Momma's actions be's hurtin me bery bery bery muches...

i fink dats all i wanna writes bout right now... maybe mine big'll let'me write here more often since i dunna haffa place to writes no more.. i don't wanna write nuffin onna island anymore cuz den eberyone will know dat dere's sumfin wrong..n it's nunna dere business... n i can't writes bout it on PH cuz dats Momma place n it's fulla Momma's "friends" n I'd worry bouts one'na dem gittin upset wif me if i wrote dis abouts Momma dere...n i dunna wants no confrontation wif nonna dem. so hopefully mine big will let'me writes here more often...

2005-12-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone...

Sorry it's been a while. Things here are pretty hectic right now.
Work is kicking my butt and the stress of the holidays isn't making it any easier.

I promise I'll write more later today or tomorrow and update everyone on what's happening.

Hugs

Christina

2005-12-01T12:07:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those days??

The last couple of weeks have been complicated. So much on my mind.. my mind is swirling with all this stuff that i can't fix. It seems like I just get my head above water and something else comes around and pushes me back under. I finally have a day where I feel pretty good.. and then the next minute something comes along and knocks me for a loop... It's just constantly been one thing after another the last couple of weeks...

I've always been pretty good at hiding my true feelings. especially ones of despair or doubt. I've always had to be the strong one. Very few people actually know how deep my despair and depression run most days. I've got a hundred Masks i wear to hide behind. Some days I'm even pretty good at hiding from myself. (figure that one out...)

When things keep coming at me like they have been lately... I NEED to have some down time to repair my masks and walls. I need a lazy day of doing nothing so that i feel like i can continue on with whatever life throws at me...or i get overwhelmed.

and that's what happened today... I got overwhelmed...and got moody and pissy and took it out on Master. and I'm sorry.

the last couple of days.. Master and i have been talking about moving back to washington. apparently there are more jobs out there and he has friends out there he misses etc... I'm ok with moving. I actually think it would be kind of fun to start all over again..start new. I'm a little worried about moving back out there in particular because he'll know everyone out there... and i won't know anyone. All my friends and family are here. my support system will be gone. If for some reason things don't work out between me and Master... me and the kids will be stuck out there with no one. Or i'll have to come crawling back home with my tail between my legs. I've never lived anywhere else but here. His ex lives out there too.. apparently she's the one that can get us a job if we move back out there... hmmmm not sure how i feel about that exactly.. I'm not jealous of her.. I don't think Master will leave me for her... it's just ..I guess i don't trust her. It's not normal for an ex wife to want to be friends with or help her ex husband and his new girlfriend. I feel like I'd be relying on the enemy to much if i relied on her to get me a job... *sighs*

but last night while Master was on the computer talking to a friend of his back in washington...that's when it dawned on my how alone i would be out there...I started to panic a little bit...so i made myself quit thinking about it, stuffed it down and went to bed.

this morning Master let me sleep in a little bit....and woke me up very nicely..
and the phone rang...his daughter wants us to meet her at her school at 12:30 to go to the mall with her. We were suppose to be going out this morning to put in more job applications. I hate going to the mall...usually because i never have enough money to get anything...and sometimes because of the crowds. I like to window shop sometimes..but sometimes it gets to be overwhelming doing that because all you can think of is how you don't have enough money to buy this..or that....
So i didn't want to go. I wanted a lazy day...I didn't want to have to get up and get dressed and put on make up and do my hair.. I wanted a day where i could stay in my pj's, with no makeup, and do nothing.

and so we argued about it. Master told me that if i was going to act like this (being moody and pissy) that i could stay home. (which was what i wanted to do in the first place) but now that he said it like that...fuck no i didn't want to stay home.. I wanted to be able to stay home with no hard feelings between us... not because he said i could cuz i was moody. so i ignored him and continued to get ready...i sat down in the living room to put on my shoes and he told me to take them off and go back in the bedroom and put my pj's on. ohhhhhhh that pissed me off..
I flipped off my shoes and got up and said fuck it...and went into the bathroom to try and cool down... (all i could think about was why couldn't he understand that i didn't want to be moody or pissy..i just needed a day off from all the running and shit and needed to relax and i didn't know how to say that) I came out of the bathroom and sat back down and put my shoes on and told him..I'm going uptown. I grabbed my coat and purse and walked out the door...I wanted to go to a friends house where i could vent and talk to someone who would understand what i wanted and why i wanted it. So i went to laura's house (scared her boyfriend Mike half to death by standing in their doorway crying)... after talking with laura for a little bit..i felt better so i came home and Master was already gone to be wtih his daughter..

so now i'm sitting here....feeling like shit for acting that way this morning...but knowing that i couldn't really control it.
But i should have been adult enough to try and explain to him why i was moody and why I'm feeling the way that i do.

i wasn't a very good submissive today... :(

I'm sorry Master... about everything. I love you... and i'll try and do better next time ok? i promise...

2005-11-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

Master and I got to "Scene" thanksgiving night. *WEG*

It was great. We happen to get rid of the kids for the night. and when we got home...Master had shut off all the lights and had candles lit all over. It was very pretty.

He put my ball gag in (because i tend to get a little loud sometimes...lol)
then i laid down on the floor on my back. He went into the bedroom and got a few things..then came out into the living room and told me to get on my hands and knees.
He started flogging my ass and back. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

He'd alternate being flogging and spanking me. He then grabbed our little blue vib and came up underneath me and laid it on my clit. OMG... everytime i tried to move to grind into it...He's smack my ass and tell me not to move. Then he removed my gag and shoved his cock in my mouth *Yummy* I love having his cock in my mouth... lol.

While his cock was in my mouth he took another vibe of ours and shoved it up inside me and told me to fuck myself with it while i'm sucking him. I'm usually pretty good at multitasking..but in this instance..i couldn't do both to save my life.. i didn't know which end to concentrate on lol...it drove me nuts.

finally he flipped me over on my back and fucked my ass hard, he told me to hold our little vib on my clit. OMG that's really all i remember except feeling like my whole body was just exploding into a million pieces. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

afterwards i leaned over and kissed his cheek and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving. LOL

2005-11-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

**** I heard this song on the radio the other day...and it really touched home.
I was this way for a long long long time...
Thankfully I'm learning how to open up and trust..and not be so afraid...

2005-11-20T01:10:00.000-05:00

Good News...Bad News..
Depending on how you look at it..

the good news is.. Masters on his way home :) YAY!!
*does a little happy dance*
He should be home tomorrow around 3.
God I miss him so much..I can't wait to see him.
Maybe i'll finally be able to sleep again.

the bad news is.. is why he's coming home. :( He couldn't get his blood sugar under control while he was down there. Things were so chaotic down there..half the time there wasn't any food or water in the camp. they kept switching his shift from 1st to 3rd and back again.

so he called me yesterday and told me he was coming home.

of course..because it's such short notice..I'm scheduled to work all day tomorrow..
lol figures..

2005-11-17T23:42:00.000-05:00

I've had a breakthrough of sorts tonight i guess you could say...

Tonight was the first night since Master's been gone that i've been able to "scratch my itch" (so to speak) and haven't broken down in the middle of it or right afterwards and cried.

It's not the same... doesn't feel the same... i feel ungrounded like i'll just explode into a million gazillion pieces and no one will be here to put me back together. I feel empty inside.. like i'm just going through the motions.

ok... i guess i lied... *wiping the tears away*

2005-11-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

I'm doing better the last couple of days...
It helps that i've been able to talk to Master every night.
He's lucky enough to be able to use a friends cell phone to call me.

He's doing ok down there... It's hard for him to sleep during the day since he works 3rd shift and it's so hot during the day.

I can't believe it's only been a little over a week. Seems like much longer...seems like forever. and it's only just begun. But every day it gets a little easier. and i think once we get our cell phones that will help even more.

I've been trying to keep his family updated on how he's doing. and i've been keeping in contact with his daughter.. (whom i just adore..she's really sweet)

Our power was shut off last night *Frowns* but was turned back on today. Me and the kids had to go stay at a friends house for the night.

I sat down yesterday and figured out our bills so that once Master's first check comes in I'll know which ones to pay first etc... *blush* i didn't realize how badly in debt i was until i sat down and did that. sheeeeeeesh.

Mikes daughter and I and the kids..are probably going to go see the new harry potter movie this weekend when it comes out. :) I can't wait.

Master says...every day..every hour..he thinks about coming home to us.... He misses us really bad too. I love him so much :)

2005-11-07T18:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so pathetic.

I tried to get some things done around here today and everything i did...reminded me of Master. And I'd start crying again. sheeeeesh i know he's not gone forever. I know he's coming back again...and still i cry at the drop of a hat.

I miss him so much already. My heart feels so empty. Everyone keeps telling me I'm not alone. That they're there for me. And i appreciate it. But it's not the same.

I can't climb up in there laps and lay my head on their chest. I can't cuddle with him..
I can't snuggle up to him in the middle of the night. I don't have anyone here picking on me and teasing me like he always does. I never thought that would be one of the things i missed about him... lol but it is.

God these three months are going to go by so slow.

I was trying to cook dinner tonight... the kids wanted spaghetti and garlic bread..
While cooking it i started crying because all i could think of was how much the kids love his spaghetti better than mine. and how much he'd tease me about that.

2005-11-06T15:53:00.000-05:00

He Called!! He Called!! :D

I just got off the phone with Master.... He's fine.
The Tornado went through right in front of them but it missed them and everyone's fine. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

2005-11-06T13:39:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here crying again and worried beyond belief.
I get home from work today...coming home to an empty house was hard...but then i sat down at my computer and got online. only to see this story on Yahoo News..
Tornado Kills 16, Injures 200 in Ind., Ky.

Master was headed that way when he left yesterday and I'm not sure exactly where he's at or what time they were suppose to go through that area.

There's no way to contact him to find out if he's ok.

I think I'm going to be sick............

2005-11-06T01:19:00.000-05:00

Masters Gone :(

I drove him to Southfield today to get on a bus and head down to Louisiana for a security job. He'll be gone for 3 months minimum. It's killing me. I feel half dead inside. I've done nothing but cry all night long.

On the way home I turned on the radio and found an oldies station and there was a song playing that helped a little bit...so when I got home i downloaded it and I've been listening to it over and over again with my headphones on. The kids probably think I'm nuts because I'm singing along with it...but oh well. The song is called Opus 17 (Don't You Worry 'Bout Me) by The Four Seasons. Parts of the song are what i have to remind myself of over and over again.

Here are the lyrics...I'll hightlight the ones that touched me.

Oh I can see there ain't no room for me
You're only holding out your heart in sympathy
If there's another man, then girl I understand
Go on and take his hand and don't you worry bout me

I'll be blue and I'll be crying too
But girl you know I only want what's best for you
What good is over-pride if our true love has died
Go on and be his bride and don't you worry bout me

I'll be strong I'll try to carry on
Although you know it won't be easy when you're gone
I'll always think of you, the tender love we knew
But somehow I'll get through so don't you worry bout me

Oooh, baby

Sweetie pie before you say goodbye
Remember if he ever leaves you high and dry
Don't cry alone in pain, don't ever feel ashamed
If you want me again just don't you worry bout me

I love you no matter what you do
I'll spend my whole life waiting if you want me to
And if he says good-bye you know I'd rather die
Than let you see me cry cause then you'd worry bout me

I'll be strong I'll try to carry on
Although you know it won't be easy when you're gone
I'll always think of you, the tender love we knew
But somehow I'll get through so don't you worry bout me

I'll be strong I'll try to carry on
Although you know it won't be easy when you're gone
I'll always think of you, the tender love we knew
But somehow I'll get through so don't you worry bout me

2005-11-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

Professor/Student - Young lady, your
behavior has been well below our standards.
Corrective discipline will be necessary.

What is Your Secret Spanking Fantasy?
brought to you by Quizilla

never would have guessed this was me.. lol.

2005-11-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

Took Master to the VA hospital last night. He's a diabetic and his sugar has been really high the last couple of days and he couldn't get it down.

OMGoodness... the doctors and nurses there were absolute idiots!
We went in because of his sugar levels..and he happened to mention that he had a slight tightness in his chest (no pain..just tightness)she freaks out and all of the sudden he's hooked up to all these machines and she's struggling to remember what to do next.. running around in circles like she didn't know what she was doing. asking him over and over again if he had taken any aspirin today (to which he answered "No")
only to turn around and have to answer that same question again a few minutes later. She then turned around and told someone who had brought him in some baby aspirin that he didn't need it because he had taken aspirin already today. *rollin my eyes*

She tried to draw blood from him and was struggling to hook things up when she turned around and asked me to pull the needle off the plunger for her! the a few minutes later she called another lady down to find the needle that must have fallen on the floor becuase she couldn't find it anywhere. OMG.

She was an idiot!

By the time they got around to checking his sugar it was down to a pretty much normal level. (of course)

They figured out that the tightness in his chest is caused by an infection in the lining between this ribs so they gave him an antibiotic and motrin. Which we have to go back today and pick up because the doctor left before he could write the prescription out. The VA hosptial is about an hour away from here... grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

2005-10-29T08:27:00.000-04:00

What kind of spanking do you deserve?

You need a spanking and you know it. There's a
grin on your face with just the very idea. So,
what are you waiting for?

What kind of spanking do you deserve?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-10-29T07:52:00.000-04:00

Last night was a lot of fun. Master and I got together with some friends of mine and went out to eat and then to play darts. I'd never played darts before. I'm happy to say... I didn't lose every time. LOL I didn't win any of the games but at least i didn't lose every game either. :)

Talked to LT about starting the munches back up. I miss everyone and would love to get together with them again. We also talke to LT and tecara about getting together and "playing" a little bit. That would be really nice. I'm anxious to introduce Master to more good people in the lifestyle.

Master enjoyed himself also. This was the first time he had met LT and tecara and he said that he enjoyed himself a lot. :)

Halfway through the last game of darts...Master challenged me. He said that if i won the game...I'd have 15 mins with the toy of my choice...If I lost the game...I'd get ginger. *whimpers* LT was already so far ahead of anyone...i knew there wasn't a chance of beating him...so Master took pity on me and said "Ok..if you beat me...you can choose the toy..if I beat you...you get ginger." LOL. Master wasn't that far ahead of me... so the game was on. *Sighs* i ended up losing to Master...but not by as much as i thought i would LOL.

Everyone was picking on me about it. LT is a very good darts player and he kept teasing me with a bullseye (which is all he needed to win the game) He's so sadistic. LOL

When we got home we went right to bed because i had to work in the morning. Master said he'd give me a break tonight but that tomorrow night I'm meeting ginger again...*shudders* LOL.

2005-10-27T00:51:00.000-04:00

I was Organizing my music files and came across these songs i just got. I have a whole bunch of them from this particular group that i'm really enjoying listening to.
The Gregorian Choir Chants. They sound really nice and most of them are great to relax to. I've also found a few that i thought would be really nice to "scene" to.

Click the song on the side to hear a sample of their music. :)
The sound has been compressed to make it playable at a reasonable rate but it will give you an idea of what they sound like.

2005-10-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days were everything irritates me. I don't know why. and it's not directed at any particular person. I'm just irritated and feeling out of sorts. I hate that.

I'm craving pain today. When i feel like this...sometimes pain helps me get back into a better mood. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not...but it does.

2005-10-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

Kiss me all over is all I can say
I've waited a lifetime to feel this way
You leave me breathless
And out of my mind.
I'm just so helpless
So baby be kind

I lost my heart
When I found you
Yeah, it hurts so good
To lose.
I lost my heart
When I found you.
I lost my heart to you.

You touched me in places
Deep in my heart
Imagination runs wild in the dark
Babe, I surrender
Only to you.
I can't remember
How it feels to be blue

I lost my heart
When I found you
Yeah, it hurts so good
To lose.
I lost my heart
When I found you.
I lost my heart to you.

You leave me breathless
And out of my mind.
I'm just so helpless
So baby be kind.

I lost my heart
When I found you.
Yeah, it hurts so good
To lose.
I lost my heart
When I found you.
I lost my heart to you.

~Shania Twain~
I Lost My Heart When I Found You

2005-10-20T01:03:00.000-04:00

Tonight I started taking belly dancing classes. *Blush*
It's a lot of fun. It's kind of hard for me because I'm so self-concious.
But i'm hoping this helps. I need to learn how to loosen up a little bit.
I'm hoping this will help with my flexibility also.

Talked to Master tonight *sighs* I'm trying so hard to be strong. It's hard.
I just want to burrow inside his voice and never come out again. But I have to be "Big" and think about long term things instead of what i want right now this minute *pouts*. I don't wanna!!!
We're discussing the possibility of him getting a job in Louisiana as a security guard. The pays great. He'd love the "adventure" of it. It's not Iraq. It's short term (but right now that sounds irrelevant) it's for 3-6 months... and in my head i know that that's really not that long of a time frame...but my hearts crying that it's too long to be away from him. I'll survive and do what i have to do...if he does go...and I'll support him and i'll be here waiting for him when he's done... but it doesn't mean i have to like it or be happy about the fact that he'll be gone for that long. If he does go... he'll be gone for Christmas and New years.

It's late..and i need to get to bed.
*sighs*

2005-10-18T23:11:00.000-04:00

a new template :)

I decided I wanted a change...so i asked my friend mija to help me design a new template for my blog. Here's the results :) what do you think??
She gave me the code to use and i came up with the graphics and color. I like this one..but knowing me i'll change. I'm constantly changing things till i'm 100% happy with it.

Master's gone :(
He went up north to him mom's house to help her winterize her house. He left yesterday and I miss him so much already it's not even funny. I feel lost and adrift. The apartment feels huge without him here. He said he should be gone about a week. but while he's there he's going to look for a job and if he gets on up there...he's going to stay. *sighs*

it's not fair ya know? I've been on my own for a long time now..and perfectly fine.
Master's been here 2 months and already I'm so attached to him i feel like i can't breathe without him here. This wasn't suppose to happen... LOL.

Parking

2005-10-15T07:30:00.000-04:00

Master and I had fun last night...

after going to Mom's house to do laundry and finding out my youngest son wanted to stay the night there we finished up the load we were doing and started towards home.
We were just getting ready to pull into the parking lot when Master sped up and drove past. I was shocked and looked at him..he just sat there grinning and continued to drive down the road. My minds racing on where we're going...what he's doing etc. and finally i just sat back and enjoyed the unknown for a few mins.
a little ways down the road there was this side road and he slowed down and turned.
I've never been down this road before so i didn't know where it went but it was quiet and deserted... a little dirt road where the tree's are overgrown, blocking out the sun during the day. It was after 11pm so it was pitch black under the awning of the trees and we continued to drive along slowly. Finally we get to this turn off and Master slows down and parks the car there. It turned out to be an entrance to a farmers field. LOL

Master reaches over and turns the radio down and i look over at him and ask him
"What are you doing???" kind of slyly because I have an idea where this is going. *WEG* He says "I just thought we'd go parking for a bit" LOL

I laughed and said.. "OK..but i have a curfew and I don't want to get grounded"
He leans over and we start to kiss. MMMMMM We start making out and things get hot and heavy. He leans in and bites my neck and i laughingly pulled away saying.."Don't leave marks... my parents will see them" He said "Don't worry baby..it's in the back and you can wear your hair down to hide it."

We tried leaning out seats back...but they hit the bags of laundry in the back seat and wouldn't recline all the way.. I laughed and said "Reality Sucks Sometimes huh?"
He agreed and pulled me over to his side of the car and we continued to make out some more.

I was kissing him and reached down between his legs and started carressing him through his jeans. He undid his pants and slipped them down a bit and i took him in my mouth. After being down there a few mins... Master starts laughing really hard and i looked up at him...he says.. A Car just drove by!! LOL
I said.."Now that brings back memories" :)

I told him.. "ya know..we're nuts.. Here we are, Two adults who have a nice cozy warm bed and no kids to go home to..and we're parked here like a couple of high school kids. Risking getting caught." He pulled up his jeans and said "Come on babe lets go home"

So we got ourselves together and headed home.
Here's a cute conversation we had on the way there..

Master: *after looking at his watch* hhhmmmmm it's after 12.
Me: *gasps* My parents are so going to ground me.. *pouts* we won't be able to go out next weekend.
Master: Darn...that sucks.
Me: *Smiling* that's ok..i'll just sneak out my window again and meet you down the street
Master: Cool..maybe we can go parking again? *WEG*
Me: Ok. But next time we'll leave the laundry at home... LOL

How Is Your Inner Child?

2005-10-13T13:02:00.000-04:00

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences.
You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary!
New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with.
Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

How Is Your Inner Child?

is this true Momma? i kinda think it fits...

quick question..

2005-10-13T12:31:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this for a while now and thought i'd post it here and see if I'm the only one who feels this way.

sometimes I get so turned on.. I'm soaked all day long *blush*
and if i stay that way for an extended period of time (not soaked..but turned on)
I end up getting sick to my stomach... kind of queasy.

or... for instance..
sometimes Master will have me play with my egg till I'm about to cum...but he tells me i can't (which i love btw) but.. staying on the edge like that for too long...upsets my stomach a little bit...

has this happened to anyone else?
or am i strange? lol

little bit of everything...

2005-10-13T12:15:00.000-04:00

Master's out job hunting today...
works so scarce around here it's not even funny.

We're talking about moving...and discussing possibilities.
I'd love to move. Start over..start fresh.
It's hard to do though..with the kids.

Things are work are still the same.. i guess.
I'm still doing everything as Manager..without the pay :(
but the stores business is picking up so maybe that raise isn't to far off.. I'm not holding my breath though and i'm keeping my options open. I've been looking other places also...

Delphi went bust this week...
It's a big employer around here and everyone's worried.
I thought my Dad was safe.. yes he was delphi..but he hired in under GM and i thought that made him safe.. I found out yesterday..that's not true. So now i'm worried for my Mom and Dad.
Time will tell i guess...

On the other hand..
my ex hubby...is S.O.L.
When we got married..my dad got him into Delphi.
He's low man on the totem pole. and he's living above his means...he always has and always will.. Money is more important to him than anything else and he lives like it. He's got all these new toys..so many new toys he needs to work overtime to pay for them... Well... there's no overtime anymore. pretty soon...probably no job either. I'm not normally a vindictive person..but man o man i want to be a fly on the wall when the repo man comes... LOL

I want to "scene" hard soon...
I want the adrenaline rush...endorphins kicking in...

the other night...Master and i played...mmmmmm it was incredible.
We played with wax and ginger, the flogger and the egg...
I want that again. LOL

Master's still learning my limits and he's still testing the waters (so to speak). He's learning very very quickly. :)
I want my limits pushed...I want that "rush" of ...of... *hmmmm how to explain it* I don't know..just that rush.

I want to float and fly free...

Good Girls vs. Bad Girls

2005-10-12T22:13:00.000-04:00

It's the good girls who keep the diaries
the bad girls never have the time
~ Tallulah Bankhead ~

ok.. a regular post

2005-10-10T18:40:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone..

sorry it's taken me so long to write here again after getting back online. Thanks for all the welcome backs..they're appreciated.

I've been so busy lately with work and doing things with Master and the kids. Lots of things have been happening here and i'm not really sure where to start updating everyone...

Things between Master and I are still going great. I'm amazed at how much I'm able to love him. It's kind of scary but also very comforting.

We're still feeling each other out on a lot of things.. trying new things and testing limits. The dance back and forth is awesome. We've experimented with ginger... MMMMMMMMMMM awesome!! lol At first i wasn't sure if i liked it or hated it...Master says i loved it LOL. I can't wait to play with it some more.

Thanks Momma for telling Master about it *WEG*

We've experimented with him choking me while I'm cumming. That's soooo cool LOL. Master says he's shocked at how much he enjoys it also.

He's learning how to use the flogger and he's really good at giving me spankings. *WEG*

We're getting ready to leave to visit family.. I have tomorrow off from work *YIPPEE*
I'll write more tomorrow.. I promise :)

another interesting link

2005-10-10T18:39:00.000-04:00

Here's another interesting link..

http://atom.smasher.org/error/

you can create your own error messages.. lol
check them out..

interesting link

2005-09-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

an informative and thought-provoking resource for rape and sexual abuse survivors.

http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/

this link was sent to me through one of my surivor groups. It's a pretty good link with a lot of resources.

I'm back... :)

2005-09-22T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm finally back online...we'll..i've been back online for about 2 weeks now.. give or take a day or two..but i seem to have fallen out of the habit of blogging...

I apologize.. and i'm going to try and get back in the habit of doing it.

Things here are going great. We're all learning to get along well with each other. The kids are learning how far they can push Master....which they're learning isnt very far. lol.

Master and I have been talking about rituals and things we want to start doing.
everyday things we can do to reinforce our D/s relationship. It's kind of hard to do because of the kids. If anyone has any suggestions we'd be happy to hear them.

I'll write more tomorrow...
I want to update everyone on what's happening at work and here at home.

Hugs
Christina

BTW...my email

2005-09-02T18:30:00.000-04:00

BTW...if you want to leave me a message and you can leave me a message at
Christina.sparrow1 at gmail.com change the at word to @ and your all set...
my charter email is not working for right now because i no longer have an account with them...

Still without internet :(

2005-09-02T17:44:00.000-04:00

Well...i still don't have internet yet..but i'm at my parents house doing laundry and i thought i'd jump online and let you all know how things are going.. :)

Master made it here and things have been going great. Better than i could have hoped for.
The kids love having him here and my youngest is just loving having a male show him some positive attention.

Since He's been here...i've acquired a disease though... it's called skin hunger. LOL
I can't seem to get enough of touching him....snugglin with him.. huggin him...i can't keep my hands off him. I've never felt this way before about anyone and it's a little scary.

We haven't had hardly any alone (one on one time) with the kids around...so my punishment for smoking is being put on hold until we can be alone....*whimpers*
I've only had a taste of what's to come when we stole 1/2 hour one day and he decided to give me 20 smacks on my bottom for a cig i had just smoked. OMG.. it hurt..I don't know how i'm going to be able to handle the rest of the ones i'm suppose to get. I do know though that he'd better be able to hold me down somehow because i won't be able to stand there and take them without trying to get away. just the 20 that he gave me made me try and get away from him they hurt so bad. :(

I haven't quit smoking yet...not completely..but I'm still not smoking as much as i use to and i'm still not smoking in the house. The good thing is...i haven't quit quitting. (If that makes sense)

A couple of days ago I got a tooth ache that wouldn't go away so i called the dentist and made an appointment. (I have a phobia of dentists so this is a big thing for me to do) Master went to the dentist office with me (which is good because i'm always tempted to just keep driving right on past the office and not go in) The dentist numbed me up really good and pulled the tooth...gave me some antibiotics (because there was an infection) and some pain pills and sent me home.
When we got home Master babied me. :) He tucked me into bed and made me mashed potatos and gravy. Then he came and cuddled with me and we watched a movie together. When it was time to take my pain pill..he got me something to drink and got my pill for me. I'm not use to having someone take care of me...and it felt really weird...nice but weird. lol

I love staring into Masters eyes...Sometimes i think i could drowned in them. I want to lose myself in them.

LOL There's a lot of things i want to write about....i miss not being able to write in here.
So i'm sorry if I'm jumping around and topic hopping to much.. :)

I've still got a couple more loads to do so if i think of anything else to write about...i'll add it.
I'm hoping I'll be able to get my internet back sometime this week...

If anyone wants to help me get it back sooner....feel free..lol
go to my website and click on the paypal button and make a donation.. :)
BTW...I'm just joking..I don't expect you contribute or donate..i was just being a silly goof.

talk to you all later...i'm off to catch up on some of my blog reading i've been missing. :)

quick update....

2005-08-28T19:31:00.000-04:00

Masters Here :)

things are going great, except I lost my internet connection for a little while so it might be a little bit before i update too much. :((

I'm hoping to be able to have it up and running again soon..i miss reading everyone's blogs and i miss talking with my friends.

Right now I'm at a friends house using their internet to leave offlines for people so they're not worried....(you know who you are) ... i love you all and miss you all very much

hopefully i'll be back soon..don't forget about me guys..i'll update as soon as i'm able to..

hugsssss
christina

Almost here..

2005-08-22T07:24:00.000-04:00

Master's almost here :)

He's approxomately 4 hours away. He stopped last night at a hotel because he was exhausted but he'll be here sometime today. YAY!

he's stopping off at his mothers house to visit first then he'll drive here. I can't wait.

I'm kind of nervous, excited. Nervous because i know this is going to be some major changes happening around here. I hope they're not too painful for anyone. and excited because I'm finally getting my chance with the guy i've loved since i was 15.

I know it'll take some adjustments on everyone's parts...i don't expect it to be easy. But I'm hoping everyone will at least give it a chance. It's important to me that the boys like Michael and get along with him. Not that i expect them to never get upset with him or mad at him ever...I know they will and vice versa. It's normal. but i hope after all's said and done that they'll be able to get along pretty good and respect each other.

Wish Us luck everyone.. :)

Christina

He's Coming Home!!

2005-08-18T15:49:00.000-04:00

Master's Coming Home!! :D

*Does a little happy dance*

He should be here he said by Monday or Tuesday at the latest. He's driving from Spokane Washington. I can't wait!

I've waited on posting anything about this until i was sure he was coming. There was a slight problem earlier this week where we didn't think he'd be able to make it here at all until Dec and I was crushed. I understood..but i was crushed.

This last week, Since about Wednesday of last week actually, has been so full of ups and downs half the time i didn't know wether i was sinking or swimming. Makes it really hard to write anything in here and i apologize for not writing more. I hate going days without writing anything in here at all.

Things are still kind of rough... but hopefully getting better soon. sheeeeeesh it has too...lol i don't know how much more of this shit i can take. lol

I'm trying to stay upbeat about things.. and not dwell on the downside of things but sometimes it's so hard...

School should be starting soon...which will be a godsend i think. At least I'll get a break every now and then and Master and i can have some alone time. :) YAY!

I LOVE YOU MASTER! and can't wait to see you, feel you, smell you, taste you, hold you again.... your slave has missed you so very very much.

Where I've been ...

2005-08-14T07:47:00.000-04:00

Sorry Everyone for not posting the last couple of days. The small little town i live in has been having a Summer Festival the last couple of days and having two younger kids has kept me busy running to this activity and that activity. LOL.

We've been to the petting zoo and gotten our fingers nibbled by a baby goat. We've watched the hour long parade and gotten a ton of candy thrown at us. We've played numerous carnaval games and won a lot of cheap little toys that the kids have already broken and thrown away lol. My oldest son spent almost all day yesterday on the civil war re-enactment field behind our apartment. Now he wants to join them.

Yesterday we went to the first Monsters and Mud contest to be hosted in our tiny little town and had a blast. The Monster trucks Fullboar, Predator, Prowler, and Rapt Attack were there and put on quite a show. Mud boggers from various places around our town were there and threw mud everywhere. Tires came off and got stuck in the mud, Engines blew up and smoke went everywhere. It was really cool :) 6 hours of Monsters and Mud was pretty awesome!

I Won't Grow Up

2005-08-10T23:14:00.000-04:00

This is one of my all time favorite songs... from one of my all time favorite movies. The best version is the on stage version with Mary Martin as Peter Pan.

(spoken)
PETER
Are you ready for today's lesson?
BOYS:
Yes, Peter!
PETER:
Then listen to your teacher. Repeat after me...
(sung)
I won't grow up.
BOYS:
I won't grow up.
PETER:
I don't wanna go to school.
BOYS:
I don't wanna go to school.
PETER:
Just to learn to be a parrot
BOYS:
Just to learn to be a parrot
PETER:
And recite a silly rule.
BOYS:
And recite a silly rule.
PETER:
If growing up means it would be
Beneath my dignity to climb a tree
ALL:
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow u-p
Not me.
JOHN:
Not I.
PETER:
Not me.
ALL:
Not me.
PETER:
I won't grow up
BOYS:
I won't grow up
PETER:
I don't wanna wear a tie
BOYS:
I don't wanna wear a tie
PETER:
Or a serious expression
BOYS:
Or a serious expression
PETER:
In the middle of July!
BOYS:
In the middle of July!
PETER:
And if it means I must prepare
To shoulder burdens with a worried air...
ALL:
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow u-p
Not me!
JOHN & MICHAEL:
Not I.
BOYS:
Not me.
PETER:
So there!
Never gonna be a man...
ALL:
I won't!
PETER:
Like to see somebody try...
ALL:
And make me!
PETER:
Anyone who wants to try...
ALL:
And make me
PETER:
Turn into a man.
Catch me if you can!
CURLY:
I won't grow up
BOYS:
I won't grow up
CURLY:
I will never even try
BOYS:
I will never even try
CURLY:
I will do what Peter tells me
BOYS:
I will do what Peter tells me
CURLY:
And I'll never ask him why!
BOYS:
And I'll never ask him why!
TWINS:
We won't grow up!
BOYS:
We won't grow up!
TWINS:
We will never grow a day!
BOYS:
We will never grow a day!
TWINS:
And if someone tries to make us
BOYS:
And if someone tries to make us
TWINS:
We will simply run away!
BOYS:
We will simply run away!
SLIGHTLY:
I won't grow up.
BOYS:
I won't grow up.
SLIGHTLY:
No, I promise that I won't
BOYS:
No, I promise that I won't
SLIGHTLY:
I will stay a boy forever
BOYS:
I will stay a boy forever
PETER:
And be banished if I don't.
BOYS:
And be banished if I don't.
ALL:
And Neverland will always be
The home of youth and joy and liberty!
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow u-p
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me...
No, sir!

Be All You Can Be

2005-08-10T15:54:00.000-04:00

Who told you that you had to hold back? Who told you your gifts, your talents, your beauty your natural, beautiful, loving, delightful self was wrong? Who told you not to be all you could be? Maybe, as some suggest, we’ve gotten too comfortable focusing on our flaws., our errors, our dark side. Perhaps it’s not our dark side we fear. Perhaps we’re really afraid of our gifts, our brilliance, our light.

posted in my inspirational journal..click the title above to read the rest.

When I feel I just can't go on

2005-08-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

When I feel as if I just can't go on, it's the perfect time to practice surrender.

Posted in my inspirational journal..click the title above to read the whole thing.

I'm calmer now...

2005-08-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

I probably shouldn't have made that last post... I'll probably get in a lot of trouble from Master n Momma both for putting myself down like that... but i had to get it out... instead of bottling it all up inside me and at the time...that's how i felt. Now that I'm a little calmer..i want so badly to go back and delete that post...but i won't. When I started this journal I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't edit it. I'd write it how i felt it. so it's going to stay there.

I fucked up today...and it's so tiring to get hit upside the head with the same 2x4 over and over again. Just when i think I'm getting ahead. Getting a little ahead of the game.. can finally take a deep breath and not worry about something...it comes back and slaps me in the face again. It's something that i've been doing a lot lately it feels like. I seem to be making this same mistake over and over again and i'm just so tired of it. Tired of the struggle...tired of the worry...tired of the feeling of failure when it happens again. You'd think i'd learn from my mistakes huh?? but oh no..not me...

BTW...this mistake I keep making..doesn't have anything to do with Master n me. We're still doing great. It gets better everyday.

Master called me a little while ago... and i told him what i did. He says it's fixable. I don't see how...

That's it..I'm done

2005-08-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

I quit..i give up.
I'm done busting my ass just to get Nowhere.

I can't do anything right...
everything I touch, I ruin.

EVERYTIME i start to get ahead... i get shoved roughly back down.
Everytime i think I'm getting a handle on things... I get knocked off course.

I might as well learn to face reality and realize that i can't do anything right.
I feel sorry for my kids...being raised by such an incompetent fool.

I'm done trying....
It never gets me anywhere... except here...

Misc

2005-08-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

Things are work are ok..
Me and the bakery came to an understanding and we now get along a lot better. Still doesn't mean i trust them but at least the tensions gone. Things are picking up a little bit too so that's good..hopefully that will continue. August 10th we should be able to take W.I.C. so that will help. Now we're just waiting for our liquor license to kick in.

My youngest is doing much better. He's still on the antibiotic but doing much better.

I hate not writing in here for a couple of days because i feel like there's so much to catch up on. LOL.

Things have been hectic here..
I got punished Sunday Night.... :(
I'll write about that in a little bit in my punishment journal.
Masters upset with me because I'm still smoking.

Speaking of Smoking...

I'm doing pretty good..i feel. I'm still only having 3 or 4 cigarettes a day compared to 30+. I'm not smoking in my house anymore...i go outside to have one and I like walking into a cleaner smelling house. I've tried the cold turkey thing...and it doesn't work for me. It makes me crazy and frantic and i hate feeling out of control like that. So i'm trying the cut down method. I am going to quit. I want to quit. I will quit. I just can't do it cold turkey.
Master says that when he gets here..he doesn't want to stay in a house that reaks of smoke. and he doesn't want his hair and clothes to smell like it either. It won't if i continue to smoke outside..and eventually i'm going to cut it down to nothing a day anyways.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone of you that comment in my blog.. I really do appreciate it.

Hugssssss

Christina

Little bit of everything...

2005-08-07T07:34:00.000-04:00

My youngest is doing much much better. No fever or throwing up since Wednesday night...or thursday morning i guess it would be. :) He's still not 100%, He gets tired and run down easily but overall he's doing much better. *Big Sigh of Relief*

Things with Master as going great :) Hopefully not much longer now and we'll be together. (But I'm not counting on anything because i don't want to get my hopes up and then get hurt when they don't happen as soon as i want them to)

Not smoking... well...this has it's good days..and bad days. The good news is..is i haven't given up (even though part of me wants to). I'm still having about 3 a day. but i think that's way way way better then the 30+ i was smoking. I won't tell you how many swats I'm up to... lol the numbers getting a bit large now. Master said to me last night..that obviously the thought of getting all these swats isn't phasing me since I'm still continuing to smoke. I told him..it's not that they aren't phasing me..it's just that i know it's not going to happen for a while so it makes it easier to not worry about as much. (Hope i explained that right)

My oldest turned 13 yesterday. We had a pizza and swimming party. He was kind of upset because more people didn't show up.

I have my ex-step son staying the weekend with us. It's nice to be able to spend some time with him. Him and my oldest are only a few months apart. They seem to be able to get along together a little bit better then what they did when we lived together..but not much. I've loved having him here...but I'll be so grateful when he gets to go back home. My ex has the rest of his kids up north with him for the weekend.

My very long...very tiring night

2005-08-04T06:53:00.000-04:00

Well Wednesday night is girl’s night out and for the last couple of weeks I haven't been going because I didn't have the money to go. Well this week I needed to just get out and do something fun so I grabbed 10 dollars and went out.

We always go to the same bar (hole in the wall) on Wednesday nights. They have karaoke there and I guess you could say we’re considered Regulars there on Wednesdays. It’s a nice place to go and unwind.

Before I left to go up there…I gave the kids the phone number there and because my youngest still wasn’t feeling 100% I told them to call me if he started running a fever again or started throwing up etc… I had just given him some Tylenol and he was feeling fine when I left.

I get there about 10pm and I’m listening to the people sing and I’m drinking Amaretto and Coke. I’ve had 3 or 4 drinks and we’re having a pretty good time.
Around 12:30 the phone rings and it’s my oldest son. My youngest just woke up crying and he’s running a fever again. I went right home (I was only about 2 blocks away from my house) and took his temp and sure enough it was back up to 104.7 again. *frowns*

I gave him some more Tylenol and started a lukewarm bath to bring the fever down. Got him in the bathtub and was talking to Master on the phone when he told me to quit fighting it and just take him into the emergency room. I had been dealing with this for almost a week. Being woke up at 4am with him puking and feverish, etc…

So I got him out of the bathtub…got him dressed and headed 45 mins away to the nearest Hospital. Got there about 1:54am and of course by the time we get there…his fever’s gone. I told them what was going on and they ran blood work, (He was such a brave little guy…he didn’t cry at all. He just laid there squeezing my hand when they tried twice to draw blood from him), did some X-rays of his stomach because he was complaining of it hurting when they pushed on it, and they did a throat culture and a urine culture too.

Finally around 4:30am the doctor came back in the room and told me that they couldn’t really pinpoint what exactly is causing the fever… all the blood work etc came back good (except for his potassium…which was probably low from all the throwing up he’s been doing) they only thing that came back slightly off was the throat culture. So they think he might have strep throat. But they can’t say conclusively. Yada Yada Yada.

They gave him some liquid potassium and Amoxicillin. Gave me the prescription and sent us home. By the time we left the Hospital it was almost 6am. As we were walking out the doors I ran my hand over his forehead and sure enough…His fever’s coming back. It is now 7am and we are home. Gave him some more Tylenol and thankfully he’s crashed out on the couch.

I’ve been up since 7am Wednesday Morning, and I’m so tired…. But… I have to be to work in a little under 2 hours so I don’t dare go to sleep now. I’ll sleep when I get home.

There’s plenty of time to sleep when I’m dead right?? LOL

An Old Farmer's Advice

2005-08-03T17:32:00.000-04:00

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
*snip*

posted in my inspirational blog...click the link above to read the rest.

Why Women are crabby?

2005-08-03T17:19:00.000-04:00

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. *snip*

posted in my inspirational blog...click the title above to read the rest.

Not Smoking...

2005-08-03T14:58:00.000-04:00

Well today is day 3 of not smoking...

Monday was absolutely horrid. I did nothing but cry and whine and bitch. I was miserable. I felt so frantic inside it wasn't funny. I couldn't stand it. I've since realized that it wasn't the craving for a cigarette that made me feel frantic. It was the thought of not having cigarettes anywhere nearby that was doing it. So Tuesday...i went and bought a pack of cigarettes...and yesterday and today i'm much calmer. soooooooooo much more calm. it's like night and day. Now that i actually have a pack here...i've found i don't want them as desperately as i did on Monday.
I know it's all in my head.. it doesn't make any sense.... but that's what works for me.

It's just like when i quit smoking pot a long time ago. I still have a joint in my bedroom. (put up and hidden of course) but i still know where it's at... it's there to remind myself that i don't need it...that i don't want it...

I use to smoke over 30 cigarettes a day. Monday I had 3 cigarettes. and Tuesday I had 3 cigarettes. Monday was miserable... Tuesday and so far today I'm fine. Today so far...I've only had 1. Yes the craving for one is still there...but I can now fight it better just knowing that i have them if i want them.

Yesterday I ate a lot of baby carrots... things to keep my hands and mouth busy.
I didn't feel like carrots today so today I'm eating Plums cut up into bite size pieces. I have a bowl sitting next to me and i reach over every now and then and grab some...put them in my mouth and suck on them. It helps. I'm soooooooo afraid of gaining any weight. I've just recently lost 15 pounds...I don't want to gain it back again. So i'm trying to find things to eat that are healthy and non fattening for me. I need to keep my mouth and hands busy.

I figure once i'm use to only having 3 cigarettes a day..it should be no problem at all dropping down to 2 and then none.

I'm doing fine on just 3.

and Yes Master....I'm keeping track of how many swats that is...and i know it's adding up.

Friends

2005-08-02T15:58:00.000-04:00

quotes on friends and friendship...

posted in my inspirational blog..click the title above to read them.

What Heals?

2005-08-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

a group of humans becomes healing and converting only after its members have learned to stop trying to heal and convert. Community is a safe place precisely because no one is attempting to heal or convert you, to fix you, to change you. Instead, the members accept you as you are. *snip*

posted in my inspirational blog.. to read the rest click on the title above.

Why do we hate ourselves so much

2005-08-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

Why do we hate ourselves so much? We need to look inside to the hurt parts of ourselves and discover the answers. Some of us have turned the hate our abusers aimed at us onto ourselves because it was impossible not to. Some of us have directed the hate we feel toward our abusers onto ourselves because it was not possible to feel it toward them. Some of us feel totally and utterly worthless and horrible as humans for what we went through because of things we were forced to do or things that were done to us...... *snip*

posted in my inspirational blog...to read the rest click on the title above...

A Card I got from my parents...

2005-08-02T15:01:00.000-04:00

I told my parents i quit smoking yesterday... They've both quit smoking over 10 years ago so they both know how hard this is for me. Today i got a card from them...at first i thought it was a birthday card for me because my birthdays coming up.. but when i opened it..i started crying. It was more precious to me than any birthday card could have been.. and i wanted to share it with you.

Here's the front of the card...

Here's the inside of the card on the left...

Here's the inside the card on the right...

and Here's the back of the card...

I love my parents for their support... it really means a lot to me..

Templates...

2005-08-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

I'm searching for some blog templates and can't find any i like... does anyone know where i can find some.. leave the links in the comments and i'll go check them out..

I'm desperate. LOL.

thanks everyone :)

Christina

Misc. Stuff

2005-08-01T21:29:00.000-04:00

Today's my first day as a non smoker. (sort of) I'm not a happy camper today at all...I've bitched at people i normally wouldn't bitch at. I've had no patience today at all. I've cried easily and basically just wanted to die today. I hate feeling like this. and i swear to god..it better get easier soon... or else. I figured I'd just sleep alot today and tomorrow and try and sleep through the worst of the withdrawal symptons. I haven't been able to do that today because...I've been dealing with a sick kid too. He's running a fever and throwing up and i didn't have a choice, i had to leave him with his older brother today and go to work. talk about feeling horrible. He refuses to take tylenol. I have two different kinds here but apparantly he doesn't like either flavor and won't take them. He fights getting into the bath because he's tired and doesn't want to take one. I'm trying really hard not to get upset or lose my temper with him...but today just isn't a good day for this.

*sighs* i don't even really feel like writing in here tonight.. so i think i'll go lay down and see if i can take a nap..